Dear God

Lord,
I don't know what to do. I got so much going on and so much i can't do shit about. Im hiding out in my own damn house cus of some bs. I feel so alone and yet i have mixed feelings on if it actually should just be that way...Im so lost and Im so ready to just give up. What did i do? What am i doing wrong? Im so conflicted and mixed up my head hurts and Im dizzy. Help me. Please.

Backup Plan

Cohabitation -- commitment with an escape hatch

I'm just desperate...desperate for love security marriage to be a mother friends ppl on my side to be understood. Im so lonely...maybe i need a back up plan. Not an escape but a just in case...Idk. Where's the best friend in all this? Even Bella had Jacob. I really just feel like school all over again but worse cus we actually are adults now not just trying to be mature. How did i become the enemy when all i was trying to do was make friends? Destined to be alone. I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone on the inside and surrounded by ppl. Its not fair of me to put on my child filling that void. If i even get a child. Im not gonna ask for change, its not my place, but if it doesn't then what? I don't have a backup plan.

Lonely

People don't like me. I've been told its cus Im weird or i talk too much or apparently i tell it like it is (nicely) and that makes people not want to talk to me. I don't know what it is Im just tired of being lonely. I have no friends and the people i thought were friends really weren't and even my bf doesn't like talking to me if he thinks its irrelevant/unimportant. So is that what a friend is? Someone who sticks around as long as they are getting something they want? Guess Im just meant to spend my life surrounded and alone. I can't trust anyone anyway. Its so bad i find myself telling strangers my personal business just to get it off my chest. Then i feel awkward and worried they might know someone i do knowing i shouldn't have said anything. Im one of those people that when someone says how are you i have to remember 99% of the time no matter who it is it's a rhetorical question. Nobody cares enough to listen. I talk too much but mostly cus Im constantly repeating myself in different ways. So either i continue to explain to closed ears or say it once and still be misunderstood. Either way Im fucked so i guess i just shouldn't talk...even this doesn't really help cus no one cares. I do everything for everyone and people won't even talk to me... Its fucked up when you watch someone talk about bs all day then you talk for less than 5 min and get rushed along. Like when you spend an hour at your bm house listening to bs you've been telling her about for 5 yrs but can't listen to your gf for literally a couple sentences on multiple occasions. Or when you sit for over an hour listening to someone talk in circles then when its your gfyou get cut off after the first sentence and they continue to talk. If they don't care they don't listen so at the end of the day no one is listening to me. Makes for a lonely existence...especially when you yourself are still listening. I guess no one is ever gonna care that much about me.

Marry Me

I feel the tide turning...getting wrapped up in the m word since I've all but given up on the b word. Its obvious that ® isn't ready but he's still thinking about. I just want to get it over with so a part of me can stop feeling off and worried and insecure i guess. Doesn't really matter cus the things that should change won't. I've been down this road b4. I want to just sit back and see what happens but a part of me is getting excited and aggressive. Im doomed to make things bad. I feel like Im about to learn the hard way what happens when you back a bull into a corner. Curse of being ready and almost desperate. Not desperate to get married but desperate not to get hurt or worse. Now would be the worst time to abandon me and i almost feel like i deserve it. I've been on borrowed time with how happy ive been. Im trying real hard to enjoy my time and existence. I can honestly say id be settling for less than perfection but at the same time i choose him. Im not where i want to be either. I don't want perfect i just want to be happy with the one i love. And i want to do it the right way. All good things come to an end tho. It won't get that far and I'll be the one who suffers most. Im just trying to beat the clock Idk. I want ® but that just usually means i won't get him.

Im Nobody

I guess i don't know what the fuck Im talking about. Its not literally my job to raise and teach children. I haven't been doing this all my life or anything. Seriously...some times i question myself wondering why i bother. You got a bm who isn't over you still wants you who thinks you still love her romantically. Plus you're telling her after almost a yr you're still on the fence about your gf. Topped with smart children who live with bm and know way too much in general and all of how bm feels. You're asking for trouble. Im just supposed to be separate from them huh? Fine. Good luck with that cus Im only gonna be separate if Im not there. Shit like this just makes me want to be out. I've been warning about this but Im nobody. Bm talking about she want some time and conversation...wtf that gotta do with your kids. Your kids talking about they want you and Bm back together after almost 2yr of y'all not being together wtf that gotta do with them spending time with you? Nothing but they think it does. I feel like i don't belong here. I see so much wrong with this picture and i can't do Shit to help...Im nobody.

Unimportant

Alright i don't know who else to talk to so i guess i got myself and who ever cares to read this.

I am tired of people making it seem like Im just unimportant especially while telling me i am important. Say one thing do another. Im used to that shit but i want to be so done with it. Don't lie to me or be two faced. Don't tell me Im your friend and you missed me but never come around and when you do its with an attitude or you want something. Don't tell me i can trust you then go and do things that are untrustworthy. I can't have a hug when I've had a bad day (Im too sensitive and need to toughen up) but some bitch you shouldn't even be talking to that you cheated (emotionally which is so much worse) on me with gets one...for what? A thank you? A goodbye? The words "thank you" and "goodbye" work just fine for that. Especially when half the time a kiss and i love you is like pulling teeth (or annoying). Oh or was it for disrespecting me on a regular, acting suspect and shady, showing up unannounced or when Im not around without my knowledge? If i did what you do you'd have a problem with me (like you don't already for me just bein me). How you gonna go off on me for less than literally 30sec of an answer instead of a simple yes or no yet listen to hours of talking and not say shit. You tell me to shut up after a couple sentences or tell me that i can talk to you then get mad and go off b4 i can even finish my point. Then turn around and listen to hours of talking you don't give two fucks about and even better leave me to go listen to some other bitch for an hour while she talks about bull you say you don't care about. Hell you'll hear some shit you don't like don't say nothing to them about it then come yell and fuss and vent to me. So let me get this straight...i can't talk to you without an issue but these motherfuckers can talk for hours then you come back to me pissed off cussin and fussin and Im supposed to listen to you? Especially after you just left me to go listen to somebody else? Sometimes its shit you have NO business being mad about. (that one time kinda hurt). You care about things you shouldn't and don't the things you should. That's me tho, the unimportant. Im just saying don't tell i can't have something then give it to somebody else. I haven't said so much and yet the smallest things blow up so big. I'll just have to take a loss...i can't fix it and i don't think Im wrong. #LonelyOne

Purging

Im just so upset right now. How is it you just can't help but love your bm when she is how she is. Im doing more over here than she is over there but she can get my love? She's been a bitch she's been regressing into her old ways she's using your kids to manipulate you and you're feeding right into it. She gets special treatment and for what? So she won't use your kids...too late. Im so glad she can talk to you about all the shit she can't change and all the bullshit you "don't" care about but i can't. You say its bs and you ain't paying attention but you got to go over there to talk. Its got to be in person. Do i look stupid? Bitch got a phone and y'all talk all the time. She continues to disrespect me and you let her. You even cross lines for her an if i were to say anything to her id be in trouble. I could show you the true value of a dollar. I could help you be the best man. One better than our fathers. I guess that's not my place. Despite your "help". You have no patience for me you don't remember anything of mine tho you used to. You literally tell me to shut up now. You don't respond when i try to talk...you just get mad and silent.

I want what we had in the beginning. I want you to grow up. I want your best for me and your kids. I want you to open your eyes. I want your heart. I want you to be ready for me. I want you yo be the one...i thought you were...now not so much. It hurts...i want it to stop hurting. You could do so much more and yet i ask so little. I do so much and yet you ask for more. If i left you, you wouldn't fight to keep me. If i left you with what you came in with, you'd want to fight me. If i leave I'll want to die. Im hopeless and i am done. I am through with love. Being a good person only gets you fucked. Love gets you fucked. Relationships aren't logical and only exist for the lonely and dependant enabling the behavior thus rotating the cycle. Shouldn't have ran...now my head hurts and again i can't have a min to be human cus kids are about to get up. Tears are for the privileged. I can't afford emotions.

Going...

I think Im losing my mind. Again i feel like i can't control my emotions. All i want to do is show my love...take my time enjoy the moments that make me happy. I can't. Instead Im clingy and annoying. Im ashamed to even cry now but at this moment it seems it won't stop. Like a cup slowly overflowing. Im trying to compensate for the things i have to wait for. Try to compromise but the more i try not to lose myself the more i don't see it working. I want to live my life a certain way and this is not it. Is it possible to love too much? How do you take something so special for granted? I want so much to be worth something but maybe Im just not. Maybe an extra few seconds with me aren't worth it. Maybe he's not the right one...i can't believe i did it again. Why can't i be rescued. Im so tired of being strong and now its required...i don't know what to do. I finally think about me and it turns out Im not on anyone's page. I just can't seem to get it right.

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words

Keeper of The Key

Dear Keeper,

I love you like no one else ever will and more than you may ever truly know. Please understand that my heart aches because of what you've done. You let someone else into a part of your heart that was supposed to be mine. This means you truly are not mine. I just can't make myself ok with that but i am trying hard to push forward. I want you but i want you to myself. You have cheated with your heart and to me that is worse than any carnal act. Im not sure how to feel nor what to do. I guess Im writing this to tell you how i feel.

Tonight you are being faced with an opportunity. You must decide what it is you want. I am scared but i feel like i have to do what's best for me. I want a "husband" a family i want commitment and if Im being selfish i want life all with you. Im ready and if you aren't i understand but you can't string me along until you are. I need to feel secure before i allow anything else into the picture. I don't feel secure right now. Im trying to hold on but you're so hot and cold i just end up with my feelings hurt. You say its not on purpose so maybe you need some time to figure you out. I don't know what else to do. I want to be happy...we were happy and now Im literally waiting to see if you're gonna leave me or not knowing that even if you don't we no longer want the same things. Do what you want but be ready to except the consequences of your actions good or bad. I won't make you a priority when Im only an option.

WAIT ... WHAT?!?

I am about to die...apparently bf loves his bm AGAIN that's what! Take me now please. Now that she's learned her lesson the hard way he sees her in a new light. He says he doesn't want her back..i believe it. He says that now he's afraid of commitment again. He doesn't want to be hurt by someone new. Now that he can't be in his normal pattern of wanting his ex he doesn't know what to do...ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS!!!! Oh and he's afraid Im going to leave him yet doesn't even know if he wants to be with me. COME ON! I honestly have considered breaking up. This is killing me. How are you afraid of being hurt by probably the ONLY person who was willing and wanting to give a lifetime from literally almost day ONE????? Wtf! I don't know what to do my damn self...my heart hurts :'(

...AND after being told she was a bad friend partly for fucking my twin she fucks my bfs brother in my house! Im the only one working outta four adults and paying for everything and cooking. Working mom but can't get pregnant. Heart be still...:'( I don't like this movie anymore guys, somebody turn it off.

What Now?

So I've been informed that my bf feels like he got in our relationship too fast. Feels like he needs to be single. Wants to fuck other girls. Loves me and don't want to share me. Wants live lesbian porn basically but will be jealous of the girl...  oh and doesn't want anymore kids right now   what the fuck do i do now??? He's "in a pickle" and Im just sol fucked no matter what...This happens to me everyEVERYevery time. He says he's not mature enough responsible enough for me. His words... Im even trying to find him girls to fuck to keep him and make him happy but at the end of the day history will repeat itself and Im sure to find myself as alone as i feel. Im never gonna catch a break. Don't have the money nor insurance to go it alone now and Im almost positive my cycles are actually messing up now. Early oh i consistent days... Im damaged and insignificant i see that now.shoulda known this whole thing was too good to be true...now Im in love committed and on the verge of being hurt again. Lets just get it over with already. Bm got a car you can use now, just in time.

Dreams

In my dreams I've been betrayed and or left in some of the worst ways. I don't know what it means but i don't like it. There is something wrong and i don't know what it is. I wonder what it'd be like to live in a the dream. Then again it feels like i already am. I see the pattern.

The Monster

For yrs I have been quiet about the truth and have suffered greatly because of it. I thought I was doing the right thing but all I've done is make it easier for the monster to torment me and get away with it. It's time the truth came out. I have been emotionally abused, lied to, had hands put on me, raped, taken advantage of, ditched, verbally abused, socially blacklisted, caged, abandoned, slandered, altogether treated like shit by the one person I was actually going to marry. This guy has had UNPROTECTED sex with another girl for FOUR DAYS, IN FRONT OF ME, while we were not only TOGETHER but LIVING together. During which I had a panic attack and passed out outside for over an hour (no one noticed) I came back to find them sexually spent after FOUR HOURS of fucking and asleep in our bed. Found out I was pregnant, had a miscarriage in pain to the point of screaming right next to him and he wouldn't even wake up. Second miscarriage I had it started at work he knew got off work just to come home change his clothes and go fishing and drinking with his friend. He didn't get back till 9 the next morning as I'm leaving for work and I had to take him to MY job give him coffee and keep him awake so he could get to work on time. Had a bad night (including being sexually taken advantage of) came home to find him with a mutual female friend. He made it clear I wasn't invited to hang out too but as I went to my room she tried to get me to stay. After they both convinced me I went down to hang out just to be ignored by him as well as him purposely getting her attention whenever she tried to talk to me all while getting her naked in front of me. (strip beer pong {I was repeatedly skipped as to not be included}) Two other nights that week pretty much the same thing only she spent the night in his bed the other I just went to bed instead of waiting for the knife. We weren't together at this time but were supposed to be working things out to get married. I at least thought we were friends. He lies to his female friends about me and our situation so I've been called a bitch by 3 different girls, one he was tryna date the other his family member. I look like the bad guy and he's just the victim. He'll tell me he wants to hang out then just sleep in my room or say he respects my space but never leaves my room when I ask. If its an argument he won't let me leave. He once asked to hang out came in my room took a nap then called 2 mutual friends to hang out drink and go fishing which would've been cool had I not been physically handicapped and unable to go. To make it worse the first friend got here he dropped off cigs to me and they hung out downstairs for an hour and a half b4 they left. I wasn't invited/allowed to hang out with them. The day of my 2nd surgery (on the same foot) I had to go up 2 flights of stairs unassisted into my uncleaned room (which he missed my surgery to clean) just to have him come up minutes later take a 4hr nap IN MY ROOM wake up and have one of his female friends come over. Only thing he did for me is pop a bag of popcorn. I had to clean up my room myself while they played I've never with tequila downstairs. I was seriously considering killing myself to make the pain I was feeling stop (forgot about my foot by this point). As the night went on I ended up giving him my razor blade and BEGGING him to not leave me alone. I fought for his attention to the point of stripping and letting him move his mattress (which didnt fit in his room cus of the mess) into my room cus he wanted to sleep with her. He treated me like an outcast and barely talked to me or paid me attention unless I was doing something with her or playing the look at me game. After he fucked her (who was sloppy drunk and had just poked on his bed) he fucked  me then he even switched sides of the bed to lay with her BETWEEN us. I'm not proud of myself but I was very drunk (he wasn't) and crying for help. Help that didn't come. I could go on and on and that'd just be since I was hit by a truck. Days b4 Xmas he left me at work waiting while he was at home making out with some girl then had the girl come pick me up. Xmas day had another girl over with my family there then after they left in front of mutual friends couldn't keep his hands off her I mean down her shirt straight public bare 2nd base. Told me he was gonna ride to her house with her so she could feed her cats and bring her back but they never came back. Did I mention I had to clean the whole house Xmas after he specifically told me not to after I decorated on my own. My mom had to wash our dishes just so I could finish cooking. I wrapped all the presents and even decorated the tree alone. Easter he had to work so he missed my family's dinner. I come home with a plate for him and he's got the makeout girl in my living room. We were supposed to hang out with a mutual guy friend he ditches both of us to hang out with makeout girl. I didn't find out til she was 5min away. They leave go on a date come back and she literally spends the night IN HIS LAP! He got mad at me for hanging out with the guy friend anyway. He's controlling and hot headed always overreacts and honestly I'm a lil scared of him. Ive tried to be a good person and not say anything to mutual friends but I don't care anymore. I take care of him, I've been his mom and I'm tired of raising a baby I didn't have. This is just the tip of the iceberg of stuff I've been put through but maybe now others can see the type of person he really is. I used to think the only way to get away was death. Now I know my life isnt worth taking over a piece of shit. He once asked me to let him save me and one day I begged him to only to find myself even lower and alone. Only God can save me. May He save him too if He see fit that He should do so. Lucky for him I don't get a say. I just feel sorry for him now cus in the end he loses...

Or does he?

Its been about 9 mo and i have a new relationship and all but i am quickly finding out how fucked up i am. He now has a new relationship as well. They seem happy, she has kids and money so they are just the perfect lil family. I on the other hand am about ready to give up. I have no one not even bm to confide in or talk to. My bf is so not sensitive talking to him about my feelings is not an option. Its not his fault he's great just we're so different i don't see it working out. Im gonna push him away or he's gonna leave. Im losing my mind. Also number 4 is a bust yet i keep having all these hormonal symptoms since cycle 1. He still says Im pregnant but now i think he's looking for a reason to explain my craziness. I just want to be done. I want to give up and its like Im cursed. I want to but i just can't get rid of that last lil bit of hope that makes me wait to see if tomorrow will be better. So far it varies but any decent day or moment just makes it that much harder to not get up the next day... Im not ok and i NEED help to be rescued to be loved but i don't think bf is that hero that knight to come rescue me. Im not what he's looking for, he wants to be taken care of but not so much take care of me in the same way. Im tired of taking care of other people and it not being equal. I don't deserve him anyway. Im treated as a glorified servant cus that's what i am. I wish everyone would just depend on themselves so i can disappear in peace. The monster is gonna win, go figure. Shame on me to think it'd end any other way.

Well damn. I don't seem like the happiest person do i. I wish i could say a lot has changed but mostly the change has been me closing down. Apparently Im possessed and bf is scared of me. Sounds like bs but i actually believe something isn't right with me. I feel it. We're now on 7 and i still feel pregnant....still going crazy about that. Im trying hard to give up but i can't. It looks as tho I've become the monster. Can't say i saw that coming. To think i thought i was improving. Now all i see is me alone. Im sure once i snap the people in my head will keep me company.

It's All My Fault

It seems like no matter what i do everything is my fault. At the end of the day it probably is. Its my fault my relationship is crashing its my fault my life is the way it is. Its my fault d treated me how he did and did what he did. Its my fault Im miserably lonely, that i have no friends. That i get treated like shit by ppl who say they care. Its my fault i was hit by a truck and lost my job. Its my fault i can't get pregnant and that i lost it the two times i did. Its my fault my bf is bored. Its my fault Im afraid of everything. Had i not come around my bf would probably be working things out with his bm. Hell his brain even equivilated where they are as "home". Im not anyone's home Im not where anyone wants to be. Unfortunately Im also the only one stuck with me. Its my fault my mother never found love or that my father ever had the privilege of dating her. My fault i have no motivation to do anything. My fault, its my Fault im not worthy and for that Im to be punished. I talk too much, love too much want too much need too much. I don't compromise enough or give enough. I push too much and that's why nobody stays. No one understands me and that's my fault too. Too complex too broken and damaged. Who would want to deal with that? I don't even want to deal with it. I hate me and the way i am more than anyone ever will. I don't blame god for not giving me what i want nor for the things i go through. If it were up to me i wouldn't give me shit and let me go through more. I bring it upon myself and deserve to suffer. Its all my fault.

I wrote this originally in April...i hate to say that in a lot of ways i still feel the same. I might even have some to add to replace the ones id take out. I see how things are and its up to me to make a choice... My fault or not.

So Much and So Long Pt 1/2

Part 1/2 the prequel

We moved! Omg i didn't even realize i didnt do a we moved update. On 2/23 we moved and began our new chapter together as a "family". Bf wasn't really supposed to live there but i had some anxiety and basically just wasn't gonna take him home. I was able to get what i needed to start over. The move went well and we settled in pretty quickly. Feels like home now.

So Much and So Long Pt1

So much has happened since my last post. Its been a long difficult 3mo. It seems like its been so much longer let me tell you. I'll try to make it quick.

With bf and i both not working for most of that time we were around each other 24/7! Limits have been pushed and we still have our moments but i feel so much better about us. I honestly feel like we will be ok.

Bm still lives with us and even tho she fought it at first it just seems right. Id go into detail but really its in the past and i don't want to unbury any dead issues... She has brought a lot of negativity into our space with her actions but i believe that may be ending now that she's found a stable companion. We will see but for now her waters are calm.

As far as work goes bfs original project fell through then working with my dad wasn't gonna work. Not to mention my dad completely screwed us over...woosa...but bf and i have both found jobs and are very close to getting outta the hole my dad dug for us. Im with kids just like i wanted and he has restarted his production company chasing his dream. We are in good places right now just need our paychecks to start hitting.

With all of the craziness going on we were still ttc. Last cycle Im pretty positive i had a mc as well as maybe Jan (try #1). With that we moved from ttc to ntnp. Trying not to even look at my ff is hard. I haven't recorded anything for this cycle. Ive had some thoughts about not doing this. I am at the point to where i feel like if its gonna happen it will. I want to be a mom but a part of me feels like Im never gonna be the other part is done "trying". Nature will take its course however it chooses. I want to be happy and stressing isn't helping. I've quit smoking and am focusing on what's on my plate right now. Hoping to "forget" about babies and be pleasantly surprised. I know once i quit planning my life around a maybe and fill my plate a little I'll get hit with a baby. Story of my life. Any way that's about the jist of the update. Pt2 will let you know more about the present and what's coming up in the future.

UPDATE!

I'm moving!!! OMG I'm SO excited! ;D all the stuff I wanted is still available so I will be deciding what I am actually gonna get. I'm on CD 3 today, last cycle was a bfN :(. Its ok tho cus I had all these symptoms and this af visit has been almost...pleasant. minor annoyance at first but other than changing my pad I really haven't noticed. Tww went stress free and full of signs my body was getting used to bf's swimmers. Lots of "symptoms" and even a very faint bfP that ® and I both saw. He's still convinced I'm pregnant, and I read you could have basically a period if you implant close to the same time your period is supposed to start. It can take up to 12 days and I have a 12day LP and a 27day cycle. I don't think I am but stranger things have happened to me. :) On to February regardless. Thinking of using opks this cycle. Don't want to temp cus it just feels like "trying" and I've been a lot more positive "winging it". I pretty much know when I O and my 3day window but that, thankfully, has absolutely NOTHING to do with why nor when we work out ;) together. Opks are really more for the fun of poas and a lil insurance that my cycle hasn't thrown a curveball. Looking at a place tomorrow and planning on moving by 2-23-13!!! I can't wait, I just can't stand it. :D baby mama post still to come.

Maybe Baby

Ok so due to everyone potentially freaking out and bm having issues with my current life choices that "effect" her I feel I have no where to turn but here. This is where I can be me and say how I feel. I know most ppl find this by accident or just sneak a peek now and again but I appreciate anyone who takes the time. My family would understand me a lil better and my mother would get to see what's really going on in my life. This is like my brain on paper. Not sharing with the forum ladies just yet (the ones that dont read) but mostly cus I want to wait till this is posted. This is where the story is told at its best.

Any who, ® and I decided it was his choice whether or not we tried since my mind was made. Basically I wasn't going on birth control so he was either gonna wrap it or not. We had agreed that at the point we were at the 90days didn't serve a purpose anymore and he was informed of my fertile days. To my surprise he decided to "donate" to the baby bank (a few times ;D)! I actually haven't done any temps or opks this cycle but I do know my 3 day window. Right now we are just seeing what happens vs "actively" trying. Winging it and enjoying this ride. I can't believe this could be it. I'm trying to be cautiously optimistic. I o today according to FF and I've been crampy/bloated since mid yesterday. Technical timing would be something like:
insem #1- +opk
#2- around 12hrs post +opk
#3- around 24hrs post +opk 
It wasn't planned that way and making a baby hasn't even been on the list of reasons why we...(um)... worked out together lol but it was a conscious decision to finish together. I've got some lower back ache going as I type this and a #4 would have been nice this morning, for a few reasons ;), but alas its no big deal and I awoke happy and snuggled with my dog (black one) and a rescue I've been fostering for a couple weeks. :) I could be cooking a lil one right now but we'll just have to wait and see. Now its off to fix what's going on with bm (post on that coming soon, just don't have the whole story yet). Wish me luck and baby dust. :) Have a Great Sunday.

Letting Go and Sacrifice

I had a conversation with bm and have done a lot of thinking. I don't think many will understand what I've done to get here. To be in love like this, to have a bf, to be thinking about all these things, I had to let go. There was so much that took place inside myself. I was so damaged I had a wall up as thick as the Hoover Dam. It's true what they say about love being one of the most powerful things on earth. It is truly a gift we don't understand and take for granted. I made a huge sacrifice! I let that wall down and opened up completely. It wasn't easy and I'm still scared but I've experienced a joy I beginning to think didn't exist. At least not for me. I trust completely and am excited about the future. I was engaged to be married and trying to have a kid two years ago but I haven't felt this passionate about it till now. Never had to work this hard to wait. Never had someone so on the same level, page, as me. I'm really starting to not care what others think and actually just enjoy living MY life. After everything I've been through, hell 2012 alone, I think its about damn time I get to be happy. It kinda started to seem like everyone was unhappy once I became happy. I wanted to pull my hair out I was so stressed cus I didn't want to lose what I'd found but didn't want to lose what I had either. As time has progressed I've realized if I lost what I had then I never really had it and to lose what I've found would be my own fault. I still have my friends and keeping them happy with my life isn't my job. Its a new concept for me, just seeing what happens and doing me, but its how things should be. Its not all bad, I'm trying to stay positive.

Baby Fever

It seems like its coming early this year. Baby making is indeed in the air. I have two close friends who are 16 and 20wks pregnant. Women on the boards are getting preggers every day and new babies keep being born and fussed over on my fb news feed. I can't stand it, ugh! I'm happy for my friends and all but I want one. With the way things are with the bf I have no doubt that I want him to be the father. I don't like the idea of him raising a child that isn't his but was conceived while we were together. If I had my way I'd be pregnant already. Was supposed to start in December as you know but that didn't work out. Its January and as I come up on my fertile period I can help but feel sad. The fact that it's actually possible to conceive this month and knowing that I won't be is killing me. I'm waiting to see what the bf will decide and praying it wont take long. Things got moved back to March but even that is not soon enough for me.

I know I'm young, unmarried, just starting a relationship, and moving. Reality is not lost on me. I have been playing Mommy in one way or another since I was 7. I lost my grandparents young but unfortunately not young enough to be spared the trauma. My mother is only 4 years younger than her mother was when she died. I can see that she's getting older and tho I don't think she will die soon I still worry about my kids not getting time with her. I'm worried about my miscarriage history effecting my ability to conceive/carry a child. I'm worried about my foot effecting my pregnancy and parenting. I want to have kids while I can and I feel my window (best child baring yrs) are ending. I'll be 26 in less than a month. I've ALWAYS planned on having at least one by now. The kicker; he (the bf) loves touching and rubbing my belly. I want to cry every time cus all I can think is "there's nothing in there". All I can picture is us expecting, me pregnant our hands intertwined over my big pregnant belly. When is it my turn? Sorry for the vent but it looks like baby dust is in the air but again will be passing over me. Lord I'm so tired of waiting.

21 Days

This is partly so late cus I was afraid of what people might think but this is 2013, my blog, and my life. I can't make everyone happy and I personally have been so happy. Don't like it, that's your problem. So, here goes...

The last 3wks have been insane! 3 days after my last post my world was flipped upside down. I went and hung out with a friend from hs (R) and after 4hrs we were smitten. We have seen each other almost every day since 12/18/12. We've talked about the future and I've been good about letting go of the (my) past. We started talking kids probably the first or second day, ® has 2 and was thinking about a 3rd. What single guy thinks about having a kid let alone a 3rd while in his mid 20's? He has only contributed DNA to one but regardless he has 2. That of course opened the door for me to share about becoming an smbc. We talked about how it worked and donor sperm and my plans. He seemed interested in the overall topic and possibly being a KD (known donor) within a co-parenting situation. He's tall Carmel pretty eyed and mixed so I planned to give it some thought. As the first week came to an end it was clear we were falling. We spent new years together with bm including a kiss at midnight :). We spent most that week talking, learning new things about each other, catching up, and spending time together. We are very much on the same page with each other and in life. (Except he already is a dad) On the first anniversary of my accident, January 3 2012, I was once again hit and knocked off my feet. HE TOLD ME HE LOVES ME!!! I said it back and mean it with all my terrified lil heart. <3 The next day we were an official couple and 4 days later here we are today happy and in love. ;D We are on a 90day no sex rule that we are trying hard to keep. Yes I know this all sounds crazy and like we are moving at the speed of light but idc. He's amazing and I may not know about tomorrow but today is a happy one.

So what about ttc and moving and all that? Now that you're up to speed here's the deal... ® (aka the bf [eek!]) Is on the fence still about us having a kid so soon especially with how things ended up. (See we haven't completely lost our minds) I, however, am not delaying becoming a mom and that's been made clear. I have been racking my brain on it, now not as thrilled about using a donor, but ultimately I see how he feels about his oldest that's not blood and I know my lil one will be loved regardless. Also if he decides not to try with me its not like I don't have another option. I kinda tracked this cycle with temps. I only narrowed it to 3days instead of actual o day and didn't use opks but thanks to a consistent LP and now being on CD 3 I am confident of my o day. This cycle I will be temping but no opks again. Funny thing is I o the day our 90days is up in March. That wasn't on purpose btw.

Bm and I are still moving together in February and ® will be moving somewhere close as he too is looking for a place. (Same page thing see) I am looking to get my CDA and start working in a daycare. We both have some loose ends to tie but things are going well for me, thank you Jesus! Y'all know I was not the happiest camper. My lawyer is doing his job and getting some things taken care of so that is good. It might not be as bad as I feared. Keep praying for me. Life has a way of reminding you to stay on your toes. Much like babies it can and usually will change in the blink of an eye. Time seems to be going so fast right now and I'm going along for the ride. I've been waiting for something to turn around, get better, and boy I was not expecting this. Looking for places here at home with bm and I'm just a few weeks away. 2013 is off to a great start!