Dreams

In my dreams I've been betrayed and or left in some of the worst ways. I don't know what it means but i don't like it. There is something wrong and i don't know what it is. I wonder what it'd be like to live in a the dream. Then again it feels like i already am. I see the pattern.

The Monster

For yrs I have been quiet about the truth and have suffered greatly because of it. I thought I was doing the right thing but all I've done is make it easier for the monster to torment me and get away with it. It's time the truth came out. I have been emotionally abused, lied to, had hands put on me, raped, taken advantage of, ditched, verbally abused, socially blacklisted, caged, abandoned, slandered, altogether treated like shit by the one person I was actually going to marry. This guy has had UNPROTECTED sex with another girl for FOUR DAYS, IN FRONT OF ME, while we were not only TOGETHER but LIVING together. During which I had a panic attack and passed out outside for over an hour (no one noticed) I came back to find them sexually spent after FOUR HOURS of fucking and asleep in our bed. Found out I was pregnant, had a miscarriage in pain to the point of screaming right next to him and he wouldn't even wake up. Second miscarriage I had it started at work he knew got off work just to come home change his clothes and go fishing and drinking with his friend. He didn't get back till 9 the next morning as I'm leaving for work and I had to take him to MY job give him coffee and keep him awake so he could get to work on time. Had a bad night (including being sexually taken advantage of) came home to find him with a mutual female friend. He made it clear I wasn't invited to hang out too but as I went to my room she tried to get me to stay. After they both convinced me I went down to hang out just to be ignored by him as well as him purposely getting her attention whenever she tried to talk to me all while getting her naked in front of me. (strip beer pong {I was repeatedly skipped as to not be included}) Two other nights that week pretty much the same thing only she spent the night in his bed the other I just went to bed instead of waiting for the knife. We weren't together at this time but were supposed to be working things out to get married. I at least thought we were friends. He lies to his female friends about me and our situation so I've been called a bitch by 3 different girls, one he was tryna date the other his family member. I look like the bad guy and he's just the victim. He'll tell me he wants to hang out then just sleep in my room or say he respects my space but never leaves my room when I ask. If its an argument he won't let me leave. He once asked to hang out came in my room took a nap then called 2 mutual friends to hang out drink and go fishing which would've been cool had I not been physically handicapped and unable to go. To make it worse the first friend got here he dropped off cigs to me and they hung out downstairs for an hour and a half b4 they left. I wasn't invited/allowed to hang out with them. The day of my 2nd surgery (on the same foot) I had to go up 2 flights of stairs unassisted into my uncleaned room (which he missed my surgery to clean) just to have him come up minutes later take a 4hr nap IN MY ROOM wake up and have one of his female friends come over. Only thing he did for me is pop a bag of popcorn. I had to clean up my room myself while they played I've never with tequila downstairs. I was seriously considering killing myself to make the pain I was feeling stop (forgot about my foot by this point). As the night went on I ended up giving him my razor blade and BEGGING him to not leave me alone. I fought for his attention to the point of stripping and letting him move his mattress (which didnt fit in his room cus of the mess) into my room cus he wanted to sleep with her. He treated me like an outcast and barely talked to me or paid me attention unless I was doing something with her or playing the look at me game. After he fucked her (who was sloppy drunk and had just poked on his bed) he fucked  me then he even switched sides of the bed to lay with her BETWEEN us. I'm not proud of myself but I was very drunk (he wasn't) and crying for help. Help that didn't come. I could go on and on and that'd just be since I was hit by a truck. Days b4 Xmas he left me at work waiting while he was at home making out with some girl then had the girl come pick me up. Xmas day had another girl over with my family there then after they left in front of mutual friends couldn't keep his hands off her I mean down her shirt straight public bare 2nd base. Told me he was gonna ride to her house with her so she could feed her cats and bring her back but they never came back. Did I mention I had to clean the whole house Xmas after he specifically told me not to after I decorated on my own. My mom had to wash our dishes just so I could finish cooking. I wrapped all the presents and even decorated the tree alone. Easter he had to work so he missed my family's dinner. I come home with a plate for him and he's got the makeout girl in my living room. We were supposed to hang out with a mutual guy friend he ditches both of us to hang out with makeout girl. I didn't find out til she was 5min away. They leave go on a date come back and she literally spends the night IN HIS LAP! He got mad at me for hanging out with the guy friend anyway. He's controlling and hot headed always overreacts and honestly I'm a lil scared of him. Ive tried to be a good person and not say anything to mutual friends but I don't care anymore. I take care of him, I've been his mom and I'm tired of raising a baby I didn't have. This is just the tip of the iceberg of stuff I've been put through but maybe now others can see the type of person he really is. I used to think the only way to get away was death. Now I know my life isnt worth taking over a piece of shit. He once asked me to let him save me and one day I begged him to only to find myself even lower and alone. Only God can save me. May He save him too if He see fit that He should do so. Lucky for him I don't get a say. I just feel sorry for him now cus in the end he loses...

Or does he?

Its been about 9 mo and i have a new relationship and all but i am quickly finding out how fucked up i am. He now has a new relationship as well. They seem happy, she has kids and money so they are just the perfect lil family. I on the other hand am about ready to give up. I have no one not even bm to confide in or talk to. My bf is so not sensitive talking to him about my feelings is not an option. Its not his fault he's great just we're so different i don't see it working out. Im gonna push him away or he's gonna leave. Im losing my mind. Also number 4 is a bust yet i keep having all these hormonal symptoms since cycle 1. He still says Im pregnant but now i think he's looking for a reason to explain my craziness. I just want to be done. I want to give up and its like Im cursed. I want to but i just can't get rid of that last lil bit of hope that makes me wait to see if tomorrow will be better. So far it varies but any decent day or moment just makes it that much harder to not get up the next day... Im not ok and i NEED help to be rescued to be loved but i don't think bf is that hero that knight to come rescue me. Im not what he's looking for, he wants to be taken care of but not so much take care of me in the same way. Im tired of taking care of other people and it not being equal. I don't deserve him anyway. Im treated as a glorified servant cus that's what i am. I wish everyone would just depend on themselves so i can disappear in peace. The monster is gonna win, go figure. Shame on me to think it'd end any other way.

Well damn. I don't seem like the happiest person do i. I wish i could say a lot has changed but mostly the change has been me closing down. Apparently Im possessed and bf is scared of me. Sounds like bs but i actually believe something isn't right with me. I feel it. We're now on 7 and i still feel pregnant....still going crazy about that. Im trying hard to give up but i can't. It looks as tho I've become the monster. Can't say i saw that coming. To think i thought i was improving. Now all i see is me alone. Im sure once i snap the people in my head will keep me company.

It's All My Fault

It seems like no matter what i do everything is my fault. At the end of the day it probably is. Its my fault my relationship is crashing its my fault my life is the way it is. Its my fault d treated me how he did and did what he did. Its my fault Im miserably lonely, that i have no friends. That i get treated like shit by ppl who say they care. Its my fault i was hit by a truck and lost my job. Its my fault i can't get pregnant and that i lost it the two times i did. Its my fault my bf is bored. Its my fault Im afraid of everything. Had i not come around my bf would probably be working things out with his bm. Hell his brain even equivilated where they are as "home". Im not anyone's home Im not where anyone wants to be. Unfortunately Im also the only one stuck with me. Its my fault my mother never found love or that my father ever had the privilege of dating her. My fault i have no motivation to do anything. My fault, its my Fault im not worthy and for that Im to be punished. I talk too much, love too much want too much need too much. I don't compromise enough or give enough. I push too much and that's why nobody stays. No one understands me and that's my fault too. Too complex too broken and damaged. Who would want to deal with that? I don't even want to deal with it. I hate me and the way i am more than anyone ever will. I don't blame god for not giving me what i want nor for the things i go through. If it were up to me i wouldn't give me shit and let me go through more. I bring it upon myself and deserve to suffer. Its all my fault.

I wrote this originally in April...i hate to say that in a lot of ways i still feel the same. I might even have some to add to replace the ones id take out. I see how things are and its up to me to make a choice... My fault or not.