Monday, January 20, 2014

All My Fault!!!

So apparently ® is not only ready but willing and wanting to marry me. This would be GREAT if he purposely hasn't popped the question cus he feels I'm rushing/pushing him. Awesome!! Literally said it probably woulda happened by now if it wasn't for my rushing. I could kill myself. I actually want to quite badly. I'm the single worst thing that's ever happened to me. It's my fault I can't stay pregnant its my fault I'm not married its my fault. Its always my fault. Fuck me! Why the fuck would anyone want to marry me be with me trust me with their child. I'm just want to get it over with!! Fucking shoot me!!! I'm done. I don't care if he asks I don't plan to see my next birthday (20days away) let alone a rest of my life. I genuinely wasn't trying to rush nor push. Its my fault I even fell for all that stuff in the beginning. He made me feel good and I shoulda left it at that. D went crazy because of me and I deserved everything that happened to me. From all of them the rape the molestation the being taken advantage of the pity fucker the groper the playboy the cheating stalker the racist. Michael Davis is my favorite of all. Left me fatherless cus I wasn't enough for him to keep my mother. I was bred for this shit. I purpose is to suffer from my own hand. Its instilled in me to do what my mother should have about 27yrs ago. Abort. I can't be mad at no one but me. The sky really is falling and I hope it hurries up cus I can't take anymore. I'm hopelessly pathetic. People fucking me over, not liking me, leaving me, that's all my fault and the more I try to stop it the worse it is. I'm easy to love cus everyone loves a sad dying puppy. I never should have made it this far. God didn't spare me he's having too much fun watching my movie to kill me off just yet. No one can save me they can only watch me burn.

I am on a clock and time ran out for me a long time ago. RUN! You don't want this. I don't change I don't get better. Know that I love you and you really are my sunshine. No one has made me as happy as you and I'm sorry you ever had to meet me.

Friday, January 17, 2014

WTF am I Gonna Do!?!

I NEED a backup plan! I'm never gonna have a baby I'm never getting married I don't even know how long I'm gonna have a bf. Getting rid of my dog and gonna be homeless in a month and 11 days... bm drama that apparently is only drama to me. Now im really gonna have an issue. I basically just lost the kids. I'm ready to just run the water and watch it turn red. I started 2013 on top now I'm about as low as possible in 2014. Keep telling myself love dont mean shit and I'm not worthy but I guess ima just keep learning the hard way. Spent all my money work my ass off and ain't none of it for me. When a man tells you he want to spend the rest of his life with you but don't want to marry you something is wrong. It's me. I see that now. Seen it b4. Fuck a backup plan..this was my backup. I'm just gonna go home now. No one understands. I bet you really actually don't like me. Don't blame you. I don't like me neither.

Saturday, January 11, 2014

Operation Elope

This is everything needed to get eloped  in my city: http://www.indy.gov/eGov/County/Clerk/Marriage/Pages/Contact-Us.aspx

Marriage license application-
http://www.in.gov/judiciary/2605.htm

Where to file and pay-
Indianapolis Marion County Building
200 E Washington St #311, Indianapolis, IN

Cost-
$18 for application (valid 60 days)
$2 for certified copies

Where to go for the ceremony-
Center Township Small Claims Court
200 E Washington St G5, Indianapolis, Indiana

Cost-
$80 (?) for court ceremony

Alternative place for quick simple ceremony-
http://m.weddingwire.com/website/marry-me-in-indy-indianapolis/e609f16a684c17c1.html?redirectUrl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.marrymeinindy.com%2F

"Often, I legally marry couples before their Big Wedding."

Cost-
$50 (quickie)

Contact info-
Victoria Meyer
Call or Text:  (317)403-7379
Email:  MarryMeInIndy@gmail.com

Where to return signed licence-
Indianapolis Marion County Building
200 E Washington St #311, Indianapolis, IN
(within 30 days post ceremony)

Name change info-
Social Security Administration
575 N Pennsylvania St #685, Indianapolis, IN

When you apply for your marriage license, you receive a packet of information from the Clerk's Office, including a document from the Social Security Administration (SSA).

*Fill out form
*Have proof of marriage
*Bring ID and birth certificate



A Piece of Paper

I think I just got....well got. A couple days ago I told the bf that I was starting to feel like when it came to marriage I could wait. I felt like by already being 90% wife and letting him know whenever he asked it was a yes, I was setting myself up for disappointment. I never really got the courage to fully explain to him what all I meant but I tried to make it clear that maybe I shouldn't be so easy. Why buy the cow when you get the milk cream and butter for free...
I've been thinking (as usual) that maybe instead of having faith that he would step up, I should wait until he does before I agree to marry him. That would mean that if he were to ask today the answer would be no. I don't know if I could do that for one and his Bm did that to him 3 times. I don't know why she said no but she regrets it now that's for sure. At the same time I deserve an equal partner not a segregate child. I do believe he will be everything I see I just don't know when. He says I rushed pushed him into marriage yet he said I love you first (twice) mentioned marriage and kids first. I jumped on his bandwagon and he jumped off calling it mine. He change his mind about everything and I got stuck being in love with someone who no longer wanted anything I did.
Now he says he thinks he wants a kid and that he does want to spend his life with me but he wants to get his shit together first. That all sounds good but really he just bought another year. He says he wants to do it right whatever that means. He offered me a deal that if he hasn't asked by his birthday (10 months away) that we could break up. That's not ok with me so I didn't agree. Now I'm thinking if in almost another year he still isn't at a place to even ask for my hand maybe it might be time to go. I don't want to put a time limit on it but at the same time I don't want to spend years waiting just to end up worse off. Been there done that.
All of this over a piece of paper! We both agree its just a piece of paper that physically shows our commitment and binds us legally and spirtually. We already what to be together for life so what's wrong with spending $18 on the paper? The whole idea of a wedding is to share with friends and family but at the same time i honestly don't know if many actually care. Why spend all that money? It would be nice yes but my own mother doesn't approve of him. Sometimes I feel like its just us in this world. It's fitting that we make the next step just us. Maybe we can do it big for a vowel renewal or something but I really believe doing it right would be simply making it official asap.
At this point in my life I understand marriage is a constant growing and changing process. Its not to fix a troubled relationship or make things better. I see it for what it is and I'm ready to take that next step. I want to be married b4 I have kids and I want him to prove his commitment before I share him. I won't be made a house wife without being a wife.
Not to mention this next year-2 yrs is going to be big and busy what with moving and him working and his music both as an artist and producer...it'll be 2015/16 before we even get engaged. No thank you! He's such a profectionist things will never be right enough. Its like he wants to be married before getting married. If we eloped then had something big later...that's about what we'd be doing actually. I'm not seeing the problem. Even our religion says we should be married already but really who doesn't shack tho I'm tired of shocking. I don't want to make my mothers mistakes and he's more than capable of floating for yrs in a relationship. My limit seems about 2/3 he's 5+. I don't think so.
We talked about it some and basically he's got his guaranteed yes back he's closer to being shared and this 10 months is kinda floating in the air giving him breathing room and I...well I get to wait. I'm not sure how that happened and I don't seem to have the courage to really speak on my behalf. Like Steve Harvey said
        "Your objective is to avoid being on a string. The first step, I think, is to get over the fear of losing a man by confronting him. Just stop being afraid, already. The most successful people in this world recognize that taking chances to get what they want is much more productive than sitting around being too scared to take a shot. The same philosophy can be applied to dating: if putting your requirements on the table means you risk him walking away, it's a risk you have to take. Because that fear can trip you up every time; all too many of you let the guy get away with disrespecting you, putting in minimal effort and holding on to the commitment to you because you're afraid he's going to walk away and you'll be alone again. And we men? We recognize this and play on it, big time." - From Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man
Its just a piece of paper...