I have felt like I wanted to go home for awhile now. Home meaning heaven/haven. Somewhere I felt safe, somewhere I could call sanctuary. I realize that's what I've been trying to build. That's why I've been doing all this planning and research. I'm not ready for heaven but I can still go home. Home may be where the heart is but my heart is in this. I feel as tho so much is at stake that I'm bound to fail. I can't fail, I need this, I need to go home.
Yesterday marked the last day of riding the Red Dragon. Today I start temping and opks start CD 10! I'm excited to be finally on top of things and using all the stuffs I bought. For this cycle I'll be sure to share what I find and all that funness.
On a different note, I'm getting nervous/anxious about moving and a baby and my life really. I'm physically affected when I think about how close everything is cutting it. I wanted to be more prepared, yet I'm right on schedule. Hell lets face it I'm ahead of the game. So why am I so panicked? Why do I have such a lack of faith in myself? I know if just jump, my God will catch me, it'll be ok.
My bff, who I <3 dearly and has always been there for me, said something about how long all this planning has taken and everything that has been in the way before. That got me thinking, its like now that I can see the cliff my go to reflex is to retreat. But every day I'm still researching, still stepping in that direction. Part of me has been terrified and I honestly haven't noticed in a while. Soon I'll have to jump or go back and going back isn't an option. I'm too close to not try. I mean its my dream I'm going after, I have to try. Don't I?
I feel like in my last post I was being ungreatful. I really am blessed y'all, and I know it. I was hit by a truck and survived, my lawyer thinks we can reach a settlement early November (just in time), my best friend is on a big adventure yet I still get to talk to them often, I have everything I need to start tracking and CD 1 is today (;D yay!), bm has convinced me of her commitment to this plan with me, and I have an interview next Wednesday for what seems like a dream job. Things seem to finally be looking up and really do feel so thankful. I think I've even picked out the car I want, Saturn Ion 2/3 quad coupe 2005-7, I'm narrowing down floor plans, I've even started paying off my student loans. I feel like I can really do this and do it well. I'm tired of not doing my best. I am my own worst enemy, becoming my greatest ally.
Ttc update: Today is CD 1 of my 1/3 super tracking cycles. I will be taking my prenatal and naproxen, cramps. Cold Turkey no smoking and temping start CD 6. (Considering temping during mensus, hmmm. Thoughts?) I have a few more things I want/need to get but I've got time.
I was having a good couple of days but right now I just want to cry. D is hanging out with his friend tonight. That doesn't bother me, what bothers me is that I was hit by a truck and was injured, spent the majority of this yr dealing with that AND having my heart ripped out and treated like shit by D. I've bailed his ass out financially and legally and took the time/made the effort to affect him as lil as possible emotionally. I've been through hell and back and find myself jobless damn near friendless no social life no money still doing everything for everyone but myself and I'm the one broke on a Saturday night bored as hell while D who has it so easy and deserves nothing he has is living it up. It's not fair. Why isn't karma kicking his ass? He's spoiled selfish ungreatful immature lazy irresposible untrustworthy unreliable and greedy. I'm none of these things yet its like he f**ks up and I get his consequences. I'm paying for his mistakes. I'm the one he screwed over hurt betrayed lied to tortured (the list continues) why am I being punished and him rewarded? I sacrifice (give him his way) just to make my life a lil easier and he won't even do what he's supposed to let alone anything extra that might benefit someone other than himself. I feel like had I died instead of just been hurt by this time my mom would probably be the only one who still thought about me. Well and D but mostly cus he'd finally realize all that I actually do. Sorry for the rant/vent, pms is starting and honestly I think I could be mildly bipolar. The better the day the harder the fall the next. Most days are neutral but ups are always followed by Downs and Downs always take time to get back neutral.
It came in the mail and I just couldn't wait. I have seen "the light", my cervix that is. My roomie took the pic (so not what he expected but he was helpful). I still say if inseming alone don't use the speculum cus you wont be able to see what you're doing but if you can prop up the light you can definitely see. My phone didn't take the best pic but you can see the opening. I'm CD19/27 so I am not ovulating.
What I did:
*laying on my back I propped up my hips with a pillow
*lightly lubed the outside of the spec
*inserted slowly sideways until all the way in
*rotated it slowly to the right position (handles up) this felt a lil uncomfortable but did not hurt.
*opened it slowly until fully open (again should not be painful)
*mine has a screw lock so I screwed it until locked in the open position
*at this point I grabbed the mirror and flashlight. Point the light inside will holding the mirror in the other hand. If you see a pink doughnut thats it. I found it almost impossible to take a pic myself but if you sit up a lil it might help.
To remove loosen the lock and slowly slide out. Remember to clean your spec after each use. Happy hunting.
*Note: the pic I sideways not my cervix*
So like I said before I ordered some things online to get my ttc charting/tracking started and guess what? They're here! This is everything I have now to get started. And the green lantern thing is a pic of my saliva in the scope. I heard it helps to look at the days side by side so I figured out how to take a pic with my phone so I can share. Next is to figure out the cervix pic... dum bum bum! Wish me luck.
So I received an email today from someone who used my top choice donor. They got a bfp first try!...BUT their DD has lots of medical problems and allergies. I'm scared now so I've taken him off my list. Also as an Asian lady with an Asian donor her DD does not look Asian. The lady thinks he may actually have mixed decent. So now I'm back to white but that's ok. I did some research and I think I've found a new top pick and backup. Took me about an hr to narrow the choice. I started with a search for only the 5 races I'm mixed with then all blood types other that the o's. Out of the 25 left more than half were limited.
Life has its ups and downs and just when you think you got it expect a curve ball. I've decided to live life to the fullest and each day like its my last. The sun always rises again. If life knocks you down, bounce back.
I once said you didn't need a speculum if doing in home inseming alone because you cant bend that way, well I found one on eBay for a lot cheaper than I expected so I am purchasing it to see if I can in fact bend that way. I believe that if I can get a magnified mirror I will be able to see my cervix and its position. I still do not recommend using it while actually inseming (I'll get to that) but for just viewing I think it may actually be beneficial. I hope to receive it in the mail in about a week then after "playing with myself" I will post again explaining what I did and my thoughts. I'm excited especially since I have never seen my cervix and therefore have never been able to track it. I'm purposely going over kill on all the tracking to A. give myself the best chance and B. cover all the basis for anyone interested. Temping seems difficult for some women to keep up with but if I can figure this out maybe someone will have a better chance of tracking o. Fx (fingers crossed) that I find some kind of way to figure this out. Wish me luck.
To be continued…
