Liar

Why do you have to lie to me? I paid attention to you listened to you and read between the lines. I took the time to figure out on my own what was going on. I came to you, talked to you. I did my job as a good gf and checked up on how you were feeling. Then you basically tell me to leave it alone. Its bad enough fb knew how you felt before I could put the pieces together...

But you just gone hit her up and vent. Tell her what's on your mind and get her support for your decision. Tell her how you cried and how she's made you feel. Still hurting over y'all relationship and letting her talk shit. If it ain't her reminiscing its you.

Top all that with a bold faces lie to my face. Nope I ain't talk to her about how I feel. Stop worrying. I tell you it's hard not to worry (because I love you duh) and you come back with "if I leave now will you feel better". Wtf! Really? First you lie then be an ass. Oh and I'm dying to know what she knows/can do to "ruin Wtf you got going on". And you wonder why I don't trust you easy. Y'all not even supposed to be friends like that anymore. You say she owe you her life for the shit she said in that video but she threaten you and you shut all the way up. What's really going on? I guess I got stupid tattooed on my forehead right? Here I am having dreams about you killing yourself and leaving your kids and I but you can't even be honest with me.

She more upset about having to take care of the kids than anything happening to you. Don't even realize you wasn't talking about running away with me but possibly taking a 🔫 to your fucking head! Who the fuck do you really think is in your corner? That means when you pull the trigger your blood is on my hands. Not hers. She gone let you do what you do and as far as the kids in her eyes she ain't gonna be doing nothing she don't do already. She gonna tell you she still loves you but basically don't care. But I'm the one you lie to. I'm the one in this situation with you. Fucking kill me too then shit.

Sacrifices

I feel like everything I wanted/needed I put away or on hold and now I'm just left empty. The same feelings I had a year ago I still have and that just lets me know nothing is going to change. I have no motivation and I don't feel like doing shit anymore. Been doing the same song and dsnce for over 2yrs and I'm tired. I don't see this relationship making it past this situation we're in. Even if it does I'm just gonna have to do more and not get much more than I already do in return. Can't ask a question without attitude nor talk without a fight. Not even really trying to get out cus it feels like it's gonna end on it's own. He wants something I'm not and I've changed enough for others. Clearly I need to start worrying about myself. Maybe I just need to take a step back. I'm not trying to hurt anyone but my heart's already been broken enough. Feeling detached. Maybe I need to disappear and start over. No more relationships for me. Done dating and compromising my beliefs and goals. When this one is done with me I think it's just gonna be me myself and I. No babies yet or probably ever so I'm just gonna have to get myself on a schedule and do me. Whatever that is...got about 5 rings I need to get rid of too. So sick of being lost and in a hole too deep to care about getting out of. So much bottled inside with no outlet. No one will ever love like I do especially me so I need to get over it. Yet another sacrifice. It hurts being me. Barely ok enough to function at this point but I'm trying to not waste away completely. What more am I gonna have to lose/give up? Then again I don't really care about me so why would any1 else right.

1/19/15 Do Us a Favor

Finally  got over something just to have it come back worse. Couldn't you have just been genuine and love me? Why'd it have to be some sneaky sly shit that you tried to take back after it was too late. Why cant you just leave me alone. I'm tired of constantly wondering what's going on, how you feel. I end up just stuck waiting cus not even god wants what I want. When its all said and done I'm just gonna be alone with nothing. Be patient... What the fuck for. Sometimes I just want to end it so I'm not so stressed out anymore. No body cares about me but me so just let me be. String me along for what? If you wanted to you would so clearly you don't want to so just go. Why are you still here? Do you like hurting me? You want a wife and all this stuff and I barely feel like a gf. I don't want to give myself away for nothing anymore. Why do people think its OK to do this to me. I'm always making mistakes, never doing anything right. I'm trying so hard to live a life I want and like but I can't do it by myself and no one wants to do it with me. My convictions, my beliefs, the path I want my life on, none of those things matter not even to me cus I'll compromise it all just for someone to stay. My heart is broken, my trust betrayed, and clearly not all ends are tied. I'm so tired for being the bad guy for being emotional or thinking. I'm tired of hurting. Can no one love me like me? No one understands or they don't care. Why would they?

(to self) Its all your fault. You let people treat u however hoping they'll love you more when really it just makes you unworthy of their love and affection. Why would anyone want a door mat. Hell you were raped cus you quit fighting, who would want that. Who would want you? That love me crying shit is why no one wants you now. Even a piece of shit like drew didn't want you. You should definitely be alone. Go do the world a favor.

1/13/15 Anniversary

So I barely get any hugs kisses. Horny all day tell him. House to ourselves still nothing. He plays the video game gets gifts. At dinner tells me he got me an engagement ring but lost it (fell out his pocket) and needs help looking. After dinner I ask if he looked for it already (no), did he want to look (no). Get in the house still doesn't touch me have to get in his face to get a kiss goodnight cus he's already back on the game. I go to sleep just to get woke up an hr later cus he's gotta nut to go to sleep. 10min later I'm completely unsatisfied and wide awake, he's snoring. He enjoyed the shit outta his day and little does he know I cried earlier today cus I just wanted a real kiss that I didn't have to ask for first, at least today...

Morning, after I found the rings in the car under his seat, he gives them both to me tells me its not just a present happy anniversary its the wrong ring....so no proposal and I can't even wear them cus they only fit that finger. Later that day he says he was going to propose in the morning before work but he didn't and could have.

I think I helped him change his mind. He has them and still hasn't and its the 6th...you ask your baby mama 4 times all no's but won't ask me....he's not ready.

Worse he doesn't think I'll keep him happy.

Update (1-30) bought a different ring and still nothing. He don't want to. He's not ready.

New Years 2015

OK my NY didn't completely suck but...no one asked me if I wanted to go to a show. NY eve had sex took a nap then waited Hrs for rob to get up. Last min throw on work clothes and buy him weed and Paul. Get there and basically fend for myself as he talks to everyone and enjoys himself. Midnight rolls around and no kiss cus he's not even by me. He drank all the champagne. He had fun. It was all about what he wanted. I couldn't even take off my hat my outfit wasn't nice at all. Idk it was OK but not really. All I did was try to keep him happy and he had a ball but what about me. Now he's got a headache and blah blah so I guess my year is all set for servitude... I'm not sure what else I'm here for. Oh and I was told I'm not the backbone/motivator he needs. I have not been told I love you yet and I'm sure I'll be wrong if I bring any of this up to him. I just wanted to spend time with him. I wanted him to want to be with me. Not looking around after everyone has said happy new year cus it just clicked you're nowhere near me. Then ask can I get my kiss...really? He says he follows me all the time but he doesn't. We don't do what I want or go where I want. I'm just an extension of him. Well his year started good I guess. Even my birthday is supposed to be all about what he wants and I have to share it with his sister he doesn't even talk to...sometimes I feel like I should just be alone cus that's the only way I'll be number one, is if I'm the only one.

12/23/14 Feeling Alone & Unloved

Wishing I had someone to talk to...don't nobody GAF about me. Gotta spell shit out and still nobody gets it. When was sympathy something you had to explain to people. Why is it I'm always asking or doing too much and I ain't asked for shit. I say I don't feel good and in response get what you want. I don't remember asking for shit and to answer your question I want to feel better, can you do that? Just get over it right. Who tf want to rub my back or just hold me? But that don't matter cus at the end of it all I'm the one rubbing backs even still in more pain than I can describe. It hurts to think but I'm wrong for having an attitude cus you're asking me stupid questions. Is it too much for someone to just give a fuck or act like it I'm supposed to jump and baby care for but no I pass out fucking instructions and still nobody does it or cares to. Feel like I'm worse than shit but that'd be giving myself a compliment.

10/31/14 Ummm..

So my bf and I work for the same company. He just got a raise and a promotion. They made him a manager of his own area. They will not let me pick up more hrs in his area because of "conflict of interest". Ok fine I get it, now he's a boss so I can't work under him. He didn't fight it or nothing, whatever. We need the extra $ but I'll find something else. *the vent begins* this mf has the nerve to promise his bm (who has a 2wk old baby and healing from a C section) a job with him by Wednesday! Wtf! So your gf the one who pays bills with you is a conflict but you think your bm isn't. This bitch still loves him and is not over him. You really think I'm gonna let that slide? She talking about him giving her rides until her first paycheck!?! No. Of course he hasn't said shit to me. He gave her the I need someone I can count on line and I'm like mf that's what I told you. He takes the kids to school and doesn't tell me (they live with her) then usually ends up back at her house to talk. While I'm at work trying to pay bills. I could scream. I can't wait to see what happens cus I will blow the whistle and get her removed. She was even gonna let him drive her car but ninja I bought the one you drive now and its his. My car is still waiting on him to fix. It's 40° outside and your son has on shorts and no coat but you wont say shit to his mama for allowing it. You'll yell at him tho for it. If his mama let him she's wrong not the 8yr old. I'm about ready to just walk away. She talking about she wishes she was up when he got the kids so they could talk more...MORE Ive been begging you to talk to me. Then you use taking me to work as you're excuse like Im the one in the way but you had to be at work less than an hr later your damn self. He want to step up and be daddy to all 3 of her kids but only one is his. Did I mention the 2wk old....she just had a baby by the dude she cheated on you with yrs ago that she tried to rub in your face and you feel obligated to take care of the baby? Cus he's a deadbeat....hows that y(our) problem? That baby is here cus she got caught up trying to make him jealous and now you're gonna help her take care of it. I'm too through! *vent over*

8-11-14th Who Am I

Doing it again I see and right to my face. I almost wish I was talking to drew or Michael but I'm not like you. I hate feeling like I can't trust you. Why can't you just be open and honest? I thought we were done with this shit but no now you're feeding into it. Its been almost 2yrs just since we've been together, why are you STILL talking to your ex girlfriend about who did what in y'alls relationship. Its not ok. Y'all clearly aren't over it enough to leave it alone. You can't just be parents. It worse cus you try to hide it or keep me away...fuck that. Lol you said next time she started some shit you were gonna take care of it. Idk exactly what was said and I don't expect the extreme but instead you indulge her and go into BS that's history and over. You already broke my trust so many times with this shit and I keep repairing it but I'm to the point of fuck it. You can't be honest with me you want to keep playing games so fine. I'm just gonna find out for myself...it literally eats at me to sneak but I'm so tempted just cus I know there's shit you're hiding. Even just to know exactly what was said. I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust you and its all you're fault. You'd rather sneak and hide and defend your behavior while demanding trust vs just being open and earning it. This will continue to be an issue if you don't learn you can't fuck with me. Even with this you'd think you never shoulda told me vs you shoulda just let me know what happened. I guess apart of you still loves...w/e! Giving birth to your son doesn't mean she always has a place in your heart it means he does. She don't even make sure he washes his ass. You don't care if I have your child, don't give a fuck that I've lost so many and the fact that you say you want to marry me don't make me special cus this bitch coulda been had you as much as you begged. Got me sitting here paying for your kids while again y'all continue to act like I'm separate from y'all. W/e I see how much I'm respected and valued. Gotta give respect to get it right? Fine.

8/6/14 Yeah Right!

Why is it no matter what I do I keep getting the same lines? Shit is just all too familiar. Just because I don't want to go anywhere doesn't mean I won't. You don't get forever from me until I say I do. I'm not gonna just sit here waiting another 6mo another year +. Been there done that and I'm not doing it again. You have been unsatisfied and tried to change almost everything about me with much success but I'm done. Done being your wife. Wtf is with y'all thinking its ok to just string me along cus I'll follow. Its partially my fault for breaking my own rules but I no longer need to wait for the shit to hit the fan to know when to go. I told you I had a limit. Even you said your bday but we both know that ain't gonna happen. Not to mention you ain't had your 3some yet so that's more waiting and uncertainty...

8/5/14 What's Wrong

What's wrong with me are all things we've already talked about. Marriage, moving, babies/MC, ferrets, money, sex... these are all things I don't control. I've been low the last few days mostly from not eating. The week before had a lot to do with losing another baby. It doesn't mean anything to you but it does to me and I was doing a lot of grieving. You don't "talk it out" especially if you already know you can't solve it. Makes it impossible to "talk it out" with you. Its not good to keep it in, especially for me, and with all that's been going on I broke down. I've been trying to get back to were I was but I can't help but cry sometimes, I'm human. You may not see it but I've changed and Ive been happy. I'm not perfect and sometimes the only way I know how to deal or let things out is by crying. You've made it clear you're done talking about most of what's getting to me so I don't bother trying. It always turns into an argument.

8/5/14 Unblessed Home

We seem to have forgotten that when times get hard, that is the very best time to become a family. That is the very best time to combine forces and try to make it together. That’s what our grandparents did, and our great grandparents did. They took each other in worse, and worked together to create better...So. To all of you waiting and wondering? You don’t get perfect. You just get someone that you want to spend imperfect with. And that is the biggest gift in the world.

The way I see it, you don't need everything to be perfect to get married. There's not some magical algorithm for how you know when things are finally just right. There's no magic amount of money to have saved in the bank. There's no perfect configuration of jobs and school and family and duration of relationship.

Unfortunately, putting off marriage indefinitely can have unintended negative consequences, especially for couples who are fit for marriage in every way except financially.

But none of that matters cus I don't control how I live my life. What I want for me and my future family is irrelevant cus at the end of the day I'm not in control of shit. Being right with my god and what I feel is right in my heart and spirit don't mean anything. Continue to push and struggle because nothing is truly being blessed here. Not even allowed a child. But its all about money and financial stability which doesn't even exist....not sure why I even bother anymore. My life doesn't belong to me. Can't even have a conversation. Who even noticed I changed? Who cares. I ready to just give up, drew was enough yet here I am walking some of the exact paths again. I should just go. This isn't where I should be.

7/9/14

So just cus you want it, it must be so? Its now required for you to fuck another bitch before you'll marry me. We can't elope and even if we have 2 weddings its all about what you want. I will never have real support from my family, never know what it's like to be in a big beautiful gown, I don't even expect gifts from most people no matter how much of an advanced notice they get. I just want to do what feels right to me, unfortunately that's not forcing my way on others. You say you got a date in mind but that just means there's an invisible timeline I have no clue about and I'm positive its nowhere near soon for the marriage part...to think I thought it might have been at least a little possible to get married today. Its gonna be drew all over again...you need another bitch to show me what you can do? You don't even go long enough to satisfy me and yet I keep pulling new shit out the bag. You can't keep up but you're not gonna have any problems with another bitch. She's the key to unlock what I shoulda been getting. Why? Even after what drew did you don't care. You're gonna take off the condom youre gonna be so focused on you and this new key bitch I'm literally gonna be ignored or only there to add to what you want. What I want doesn't matter. You're way or the high way, then when I do it that way I'm not independent enough...there's no pleasing someone as spoiled and selfish as you...you said that one yourself...you just don't realize you're not the only one unsatisfied.  I don't see you tryna do shit about it either. Lol oh wait, I meant other than forcing me to watch you fuck someone else and give what apparently I don't qualify to get by myself. Selfish bastard, even your tat ain't got shit to do with me if you don't want it to.

Blind 1/31/14

Blind as a bat, can't read between the lines? Do you just not care cus you're too busy looking over there? Don't worry about me I've been here before. Left alone in the dark fighting a silent war. Doesn't really matter who wins its about the battle and the blood. Praying begging god to bring another flood. Wipe the slate clean do something good for mother earth. Made a mistake saving humans cus all they do is hurt. Spoiled and selfish afraid to tell the truth. Fucked up thing is till the end I'd be there if this were you...