1/13/15 Anniversary

So I barely get any hugs kisses. Horny all day tell him. House to ourselves still nothing. He plays the video game gets gifts. At dinner tells me he got me an engagement ring but lost it (fell out his pocket) and needs help looking. After dinner I ask if he looked for it already (no), did he want to look (no). Get in the house still doesn't touch me have to get in his face to get a kiss goodnight cus he's already back on the game. I go to sleep just to get woke up an hr later cus he's gotta nut to go to sleep. 10min later I'm completely unsatisfied and wide awake, he's snoring. He enjoyed the shit outta his day and little does he know I cried earlier today cus I just wanted a real kiss that I didn't have to ask for first, at least today...

Morning, after I found the rings in the car under his seat, he gives them both to me tells me its not just a present happy anniversary its the wrong ring....so no proposal and I can't even wear them cus they only fit that finger. Later that day he says he was going to propose in the morning before work but he didn't and could have.

I think I helped him change his mind. He has them and still hasn't and its the 6th...you ask your baby mama 4 times all no's but won't ask me....he's not ready.

Worse he doesn't think I'll keep him happy.

Update (1-30) bought a different ring and still nothing. He don't want to. He's not ready.

New Years 2015

OK my NY didn't completely suck but...no one asked me if I wanted to go to a show. NY eve had sex took a nap then waited Hrs for rob to get up. Last min throw on work clothes and buy him weed and Paul. Get there and basically fend for myself as he talks to everyone and enjoys himself. Midnight rolls around and no kiss cus he's not even by me. He drank all the champagne. He had fun. It was all about what he wanted. I couldn't even take off my hat my outfit wasn't nice at all. Idk it was OK but not really. All I did was try to keep him happy and he had a ball but what about me. Now he's got a headache and blah blah so I guess my year is all set for servitude... I'm not sure what else I'm here for. Oh and I was told I'm not the backbone/motivator he needs. I have not been told I love you yet and I'm sure I'll be wrong if I bring any of this up to him. I just wanted to spend time with him. I wanted him to want to be with me. Not looking around after everyone has said happy new year cus it just clicked you're nowhere near me. Then ask can I get my kiss...really? He says he follows me all the time but he doesn't. We don't do what I want or go where I want. I'm just an extension of him. Well his year started good I guess. Even my birthday is supposed to be all about what he wants and I have to share it with his sister he doesn't even talk to...sometimes I feel like I should just be alone cus that's the only way I'll be number one, is if I'm the only one.

12/23/14 Feeling Alone & Unloved

Wishing I had someone to talk to...don't nobody GAF about me. Gotta spell shit out and still nobody gets it. When was sympathy something you had to explain to people. Why is it I'm always asking or doing too much and I ain't asked for shit. I say I don't feel good and in response get what you want. I don't remember asking for shit and to answer your question I want to feel better, can you do that? Just get over it right. Who tf want to rub my back or just hold me? But that don't matter cus at the end of it all I'm the one rubbing backs even still in more pain than I can describe. It hurts to think but I'm wrong for having an attitude cus you're asking me stupid questions. Is it too much for someone to just give a fuck or act like it I'm supposed to jump and baby care for but no I pass out fucking instructions and still nobody does it or cares to. Feel like I'm worse than shit but that'd be giving myself a compliment.

10/31/14 Ummm..

So my bf and I work for the same company. He just got a raise and a promotion. They made him a manager of his own area. They will not let me pick up more hrs in his area because of "conflict of interest". Ok fine I get it, now he's a boss so I can't work under him. He didn't fight it or nothing, whatever. We need the extra $ but I'll find something else. *the vent begins* this mf has the nerve to promise his bm (who has a 2wk old baby and healing from a C section) a job with him by Wednesday! Wtf! So your gf the one who pays bills with you is a conflict but you think your bm isn't. This bitch still loves him and is not over him. You really think I'm gonna let that slide? She talking about him giving her rides until her first paycheck!?! No. Of course he hasn't said shit to me. He gave her the I need someone I can count on line and I'm like mf that's what I told you. He takes the kids to school and doesn't tell me (they live with her) then usually ends up back at her house to talk. While I'm at work trying to pay bills. I could scream. I can't wait to see what happens cus I will blow the whistle and get her removed. She was even gonna let him drive her car but ninja I bought the one you drive now and its his. My car is still waiting on him to fix. It's 40° outside and your son has on shorts and no coat but you wont say shit to his mama for allowing it. You'll yell at him tho for it. If his mama let him she's wrong not the 8yr old. I'm about ready to just walk away. She talking about she wishes she was up when he got the kids so they could talk more...MORE Ive been begging you to talk to me. Then you use taking me to work as you're excuse like Im the one in the way but you had to be at work less than an hr later your damn self. He want to step up and be daddy to all 3 of her kids but only one is his. Did I mention the 2wk old....she just had a baby by the dude she cheated on you with yrs ago that she tried to rub in your face and you feel obligated to take care of the baby? Cus he's a deadbeat....hows that y(our) problem? That baby is here cus she got caught up trying to make him jealous and now you're gonna help her take care of it. I'm too through! *vent over*

8-11-14th Who Am I

Doing it again I see and right to my face. I almost wish I was talking to drew or Michael but I'm not like you. I hate feeling like I can't trust you. Why can't you just be open and honest? I thought we were done with this shit but no now you're feeding into it. Its been almost 2yrs just since we've been together, why are you STILL talking to your ex girlfriend about who did what in y'alls relationship. Its not ok. Y'all clearly aren't over it enough to leave it alone. You can't just be parents. It worse cus you try to hide it or keep me away...fuck that. Lol you said next time she started some shit you were gonna take care of it. Idk exactly what was said and I don't expect the extreme but instead you indulge her and go into BS that's history and over. You already broke my trust so many times with this shit and I keep repairing it but I'm to the point of fuck it. You can't be honest with me you want to keep playing games so fine. I'm just gonna find out for myself...it literally eats at me to sneak but I'm so tempted just cus I know there's shit you're hiding. Even just to know exactly what was said. I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust you and its all you're fault. You'd rather sneak and hide and defend your behavior while demanding trust vs just being open and earning it. This will continue to be an issue if you don't learn you can't fuck with me. Even with this you'd think you never shoulda told me vs you shoulda just let me know what happened. I guess apart of you still loves...w/e! Giving birth to your son doesn't mean she always has a place in your heart it means he does. She don't even make sure he washes his ass. You don't care if I have your child, don't give a fuck that I've lost so many and the fact that you say you want to marry me don't make me special cus this bitch coulda been had you as much as you begged. Got me sitting here paying for your kids while again y'all continue to act like I'm separate from y'all. W/e I see how much I'm respected and valued. Gotta give respect to get it right? Fine.

8/6/14 Yeah Right!

Why is it no matter what I do I keep getting the same lines? Shit is just all too familiar. Just because I don't want to go anywhere doesn't mean I won't. You don't get forever from me until I say I do. I'm not gonna just sit here waiting another 6mo another year +. Been there done that and I'm not doing it again. You have been unsatisfied and tried to change almost everything about me with much success but I'm done. Done being your wife. Wtf is with y'all thinking its ok to just string me along cus I'll follow. Its partially my fault for breaking my own rules but I no longer need to wait for the shit to hit the fan to know when to go. I told you I had a limit. Even you said your bday but we both know that ain't gonna happen. Not to mention you ain't had your 3some yet so that's more waiting and uncertainty...

8/5/14 What's Wrong

What's wrong with me are all things we've already talked about. Marriage, moving, babies/MC, ferrets, money, sex... these are all things I don't control. I've been low the last few days mostly from not eating. The week before had a lot to do with losing another baby. It doesn't mean anything to you but it does to me and I was doing a lot of grieving. You don't "talk it out" especially if you already know you can't solve it. Makes it impossible to "talk it out" with you. Its not good to keep it in, especially for me, and with all that's been going on I broke down. I've been trying to get back to were I was but I can't help but cry sometimes, I'm human. You may not see it but I've changed and Ive been happy. I'm not perfect and sometimes the only way I know how to deal or let things out is by crying. You've made it clear you're done talking about most of what's getting to me so I don't bother trying. It always turns into an argument.