Birdie Inspired Update

So a little birdie told me today that they actually read my blog. (Thanks S) I have kinda updated the ladies on NW's forum and some things have changed in the week since my last post so I figured I'd get everyone up to speed. I still have not received my settlement but unfortunately it looks like it might not be where me and my lawyer originally thought that it would be. This definitely affects all of my plans and I may have to come up with a plan D E & F at this point. As of right now because nothing is finalized I am still hoping to move to Columbus and become an SMBC. Due to the current change of events however I may not be able to do 1 the other or either so of course ttcing has been put on hold until further notice. Scary as it sounds I may not actually even have the funds to move somewhere within my current city making me broke and homeless. Of course I can always stay with family until I get some funds but I'm trying to avoid that at all costs. I have been against finding a job in Indianapolis right now because I wanted to move out of the city but I think I'm going to go ahead and break down and find something just in case. It's amazing what can happen in 7 days. It's sad that I was hit by a truck and may end up with less money than I had the day I was struck but at least my medical bills will be taken care of as well as my lawyer, go figure. Now I find myself hoping for the best and preparing for the worst but thankfully I have some idea of where to go from here. At least finding a job and a place to stay in my hometown will be a lot easier and if I can find something soon I may be back on track to try early 2013. Last cycle was all over the place being at a record short of 25 days and I o'ed 2 days early. Even if I had 1,000,000 dollars right now there's no way I'd be able to insem this month as I ovulate Christmas Day! I wanted to keep tracking anyway so I'd still be inseming sometime around January or February without all the new hassles of my settlement issue. Realistically I'm probably looking at March or April at the earliest because I still have to move. I think staying in our hometown will actually work out a little better at least for right now because BM will have a better chance of coming with me, as she's been worried about money issues too. It's still out of my hands and I'm just preparing and waiting to see what happens. Who knows $anta might give me a good gift this year. Thank you all who read my blog and please send prayers good wishes and baby dust my way. Have a good holiday if I don't post by Xmas.

Back to Basics

Oh my it has been far too long. I have found myself mentally back where I started. I am leaving the ultimate decision up to God. Depending on my settlement I'll be going with plan A B or C. I still very much want to go to Columbus and be a mom but I'm taking it outta my hands. I am going to start a vlog on YouTube if I indeed become a smbc. I've been doing all kinds of thinking and I'm just super excited about the future. Other than that things are just kinda slow. It is officially the second week in December and by the new yr things should be rolling. It coming close but I'm trying to stay faithful. I wish I had more the say but really life is just day to day. Need to start doing something's for moving like going through the boxes in the attic. I'm a lil behind on my timeline but some things I just can't do yet. Hopefully I'll have some news to share and progress to report in a week or so. Also I wanted to share that I've joined pintrest and I love it! Can't wait to start using it at the new place. Oh and I finally got my tat colored. Blue snowflakes on my leg, so pretty.

Relieved

ok so after my long rant i had a nice long talk with my parents. my mom didnt realize i needed her to tell me it was ok to do this even if she didnt agree. after that was established it was smooth sailing. my dad just doesnt want to lose his little girl and doesnt agree with the way im doing it but again has given me the ok. i feel so much better like SO much better! i still think my mother has some selfish reasons and my dad was wrong for laughing but they gave me the ok. i have also made a visit to columbus again with baby mama and she loved it! i love it and im so excited. i want to move forward and i want everything to finally come down the pipe so i can get started. been haveing some issues with my opks (4 days of positives and counting) but im pretty sure ive ovulated and it was within a normal time period so i think im still ok. this is short i know but there isnt really much to say. im in the waiting game right now so the rest is just life as normal. d is still getting on my nerves lol and im still in flux with my settlement and so everything just seems to be stuck in the pipes but i keep moving. i try to stay positive and i find myself talking about my soon to be new start like its gonna happen with confidence i hadnt before. im claiming a girl and keeping hope that everything will work out as i planned. i have already named my girl Izabella Josafín and honestly have no idea what im gonna name him if i have a boy but i dont really have to worry about either for a like 6-8months and thats if im lucky lol. all in all i feel like its coming you know like its just around the corner and i just need to hold on a lil more.

Feedback They Can Take Back

Warning this is a long angry vent...  But it ends well.

ok so im in a fb group for smbc's and a lady posted about having some negativity coming from f&f (friends and family) and it got me thinking. this is killing me. i dont seem to have any fans for this decision to have a child. i plan to move soon and no one seems to be  thrilled about that either. i feel like im going against nature or something the way my f&f are acting. my dad originally didnt seem to have an issue when i told him but when i mentioned it to him again he literally laughed at me as if just the thought was so preposterous it brought about amusement. he joked about it being delivered to my door (not a cute stork joke either) he made comments about me not using a "black" donor and basically just made the whole thing sound ridiculous. my mother has a hard time with it because she struggled as a single parent and pretty much sees it as me purposely making her "mistakes". being a single mother on purpose without a man is inconceivable for her. friends think im crazy or want to tell me to wait, wait till im older wait on a partner wait to be married wait for them to wrap their heads around the idea wait to come to my senses. there are only about 3 people who say do whats gonna make me happy but even they tell me they think its a bad idea or to consider waiting or something along those lines. the ladies of my forums seem to be the only ones who understand how i feel about having a baby. im sure some of them even think i should wait but at least they understand wanting this so badly. i just want some one to say that this is a great idea and im doing a good thing. unfortunately hearing it from them just isnt the same as having that support and encouragement from f&f. with my dad i almost cried right there at the table and he didnt even notice. i felt about a millimeter tall. he was pretty much the main one who didnt lecture me or any of that but i guess he just didnt think i was serious so he didnt care enough to really say something. he had forgot and once he saw i was serious it was open season on my heart. i couldnt cry cus he just would have laughed more. hes mr army man tough guy. just cus you got a p*ssy doesnt mean you have to be one. hes the only person who ever told me to stop crying and suck it up. i was 7 and he only did it once but i swear i will never forget. who tells a little girl to stop crying especially when i was crying cus him and my mom were arguing and i couldnt get them to stop and i wasnt loud enough to yell over them. thats my childhood and ppl wonder why i want to use a sperm bank. him and my mom are still in and out of cs court and my sister will be 19 in march. thats why i told mr x even if he had said yes and wanted to be full on daddy i didnt want his money. eh i dont know. i dont think my family will be there even after i have the kid i dont know. im not naive i know i cant do it 100% by myself but i feel like im gonna have to build a network/family/support system and i dont trust ppl like that. not anymore and not with my child. has anyone else dealt with or are dealing with something similar? please tell me im not alone and that wanting this/doing this is ok. the reason i have little to no support system is cus instead of having an open mind everyone jumps to lecturing me or giving me their opinion or telling me what THEY would or wouldnt do. my ex basically did the same thing. he'll f*ck me give me a kid and say he will take care of the kid and be with me but what happens when i actually get preggers? how you gonna take care of my baby when youre not doing for the ones you have? smh and then turn on me when say i dont want to do it that way or deal with you possibly changing your mind. the things guys will say to f*ck i swear. i feel like they think im dumb or easily swoon cus they say theyll be my bd. if im telling you i dont want a relationship nor a baby daddy what makes you think promising those things will get me to let you f*ck. they dont listen and im not some cookie cutter b*tch who falls for that shit. i actually had a friend tell me to find some random guy and just not tell him or find a guy who will just fuck knowing and not care. i asked her why would i want to set someone up or fuck some guy who is a stranger but down to fuck knowing its to make a baby and not care? she said cus its cheaper. i wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. she was serious. shes also the one who literally called me crazy. my mom keeps trying to find me a job in nap even tho im moving in a couple months and hinting at the fact that she doesnt know when i plan on inseming... why do you care mom? she told me one of the reasons she doesnt want me to do it is cus she doesnt want to take care of my child if something happens to me. thanks mom. 

the lighter side... because of all the negative i am gonna do my best to do whatever the hell i want. im learning and i see now that i cant please everyone and everyone seems to want the opposite of what i want. i cant believe it has literally come down to them vs me... they wont win this time. i will not be miserable for the sake of everyones opinion. i know this as been brought up before but for those who dont know, this is a tough process and for me its just getting started. once i start inseming that opens up a whole new section of this maze of emotions im in. i pray once the deed is done and im good and pregnant things will settle and ppl will come around but if it doesnt go that way ive got a plan. i always do and im prepared to build whatever i need to make this work wether it be a home or a support system. i leave you with this: you cant make everyone happy you cant please everyone you cant take care of everyone but at the end of the day if youre not happy if youre not pleased if you arent taking care of you then you are no good to anyone. its not selfish to want things for yourself and go after them. its not wrong to do want or believe something others may not. its not fair for you to feel like you are obligated to meet the needs of everyone but yourself. do what you can for others but dont forget yourself.

The Fourth Trimester – AKA: Why Your Newborn is Only Happy in Your Arms.

Saw this and had to share. This lady makes so great points. I've been considering baby wearing and co-sleeping but the only seemed popular for such a small group of moms tho a couple are becoming more mainstream. I'm glad to know I was thinking in the right direction. Its not for everyone but I'm sure most babies would love this. Enjoy.

http://babycalm.wordpress.com/2012/07/06/the-fourth-trimester-aka-why-your-newborn-is-only-happy-in-your-arms-30/

My research is never done lol.

What's Going On

So its been forever since i have updated...

Sorry I've been busy. I am finally making another trip to Columbus with baby mama! yay! Tuesday we are headed down to check everything out and hopefully get some things in place. I still haven't found a job ;( but i have been tutoring a lil to make some cash. i was also able to talk to someone who was able to let me talk with my passed grandparents (yes i believe in that) but unfortunately they are about the same as everyone else. My papa basically said do what makes you happy and my granny would prefer i stay where i am. i think I'm just gonna quit looking for someone to say "that sounds like a great idea" and just do it anyway. No one is gonna be excited about what society says is about the worst idea ever (having a baby alone on purpose) and i need to just except that and move on. i still feel like I'm on the verge of an anxiety attack on a semi regular basis but i think that's just my own personal fear of truly having to do this with everyone telling me not to. Only a few are saying do what makes you happy but even they don't think its a good idea. I'm struggling but I'm forcing myself to only worry about me.

ttc update: i am just a couple days from af and have done all my tracking for this cycle and I'm up in arms over it. i never got a positive opk and according to my temps i o'ed 3 days later than expected. I'm hoping this next cycle will be better. just waiting on af now. December is still on for inseming.

Peace and Serenity

I have been having a hard time deciding between what I want and what everyone else wants. I am always trying to keep everyone happy and that usually consists of forgetting about what I want. I think that might be partially why I still don't feel like an adult, I've been trapped in the ppl pleasing mode of adolescents. I'm 25 and I'm ready to stand on my own feet instead of rest on the approval of others. I'm such an independent person I never grasped being selfish like the rest of the world. Well its about damn time! I'm doing this and as far as anyone who doesn't approve (as M would say) f*ck 'em! You can't make everyone happy. I thought I had but then I realized the most important person I'm my life was miserable, me.

I feel so much better now. I am so at peace with my choice. I am buying a home, moving outta the city, and having a baby! Some people might not like it but its what I want and it'll make me happy. For once that's all that matters.