Birthday Wishes

All I wanted was a proposal...its been a month. The mailman has came. What else are you waiting on? So many opportunities. I feel like not only have I earned it I've earned saying no if I wanted to. Like he was so worried about me still saying yes when he proposes but still has no intention on asking! I'm just over it at this point. He wants me to let him in and to be happy and all this stuff that requires trust but won't commit. Why should I trust a cheater who'd risk losing me over $300! All I can think about is how that baby could be his. And how I'm still gonna probably be right here even if she is waiting on him to want me enough. What's wrong with me?

Petty?

I'm so tired of the same shit all the time. How is it no one ever seems to know How to take care of or look out for me. Most of what I do for others is what I want done for me. If I fall asleep in my clothes wake me up so I can take them off. Like simple shit. How many times do I have to explain it. I'm just gonna have to look out for myself and I'm having a hard time with that. Like how hard is it to think about me. Maybe I'm just being a child and need to realize I'm the only one that gives 2 fucks about me falling asleep in my clothes. Should probably stop caring about anyone else too.

Liar

Why do you have to lie to me? I paid attention to you listened to you and read between the lines. I took the time to figure out on my own what was going on. I came to you, talked to you. I did my job as a good gf and checked up on how you were feeling. Then you basically tell me to leave it alone. Its bad enough fb knew how you felt before I could put the pieces together...

But you just gone hit her up and vent. Tell her what's on your mind and get her support for your decision. Tell her how you cried and how she's made you feel. Still hurting over y'all relationship and letting her talk shit. If it ain't her reminiscing its you.

Top all that with a bold faces lie to my face. Nope I ain't talk to her about how I feel. Stop worrying. I tell you it's hard not to worry (because I love you duh) and you come back with "if I leave now will you feel better". Wtf! Really? First you lie then be an ass. Oh and I'm dying to know what she knows/can do to "ruin Wtf you got going on". And you wonder why I don't trust you easy. Y'all not even supposed to be friends like that anymore. You say she owe you her life for the shit she said in that video but she threaten you and you shut all the way up. What's really going on? I guess I got stupid tattooed on my forehead right? Here I am having dreams about you killing yourself and leaving your kids and I but you can't even be honest with me.

She more upset about having to take care of the kids than anything happening to you. Don't even realize you wasn't talking about running away with me but possibly taking a 🔫 to your fucking head! Who the fuck do you really think is in your corner? That means when you pull the trigger your blood is on my hands. Not hers. She gone let you do what you do and as far as the kids in her eyes she ain't gonna be doing nothing she don't do already. She gonna tell you she still loves you but basically don't care. But I'm the one you lie to. I'm the one in this situation with you. Fucking kill me too then shit.

Sacrifices

I feel like everything I wanted/needed I put away or on hold and now I'm just left empty. The same feelings I had a year ago I still have and that just lets me know nothing is going to change. I have no motivation and I don't feel like doing shit anymore. Been doing the same song and dsnce for over 2yrs and I'm tired. I don't see this relationship making it past this situation we're in. Even if it does I'm just gonna have to do more and not get much more than I already do in return. Can't ask a question without attitude nor talk without a fight. Not even really trying to get out cus it feels like it's gonna end on it's own. He wants something I'm not and I've changed enough for others. Clearly I need to start worrying about myself. Maybe I just need to take a step back. I'm not trying to hurt anyone but my heart's already been broken enough. Feeling detached. Maybe I need to disappear and start over. No more relationships for me. Done dating and compromising my beliefs and goals. When this one is done with me I think it's just gonna be me myself and I. No babies yet or probably ever so I'm just gonna have to get myself on a schedule and do me. Whatever that is...got about 5 rings I need to get rid of too. So sick of being lost and in a hole too deep to care about getting out of. So much bottled inside with no outlet. No one will ever love like I do especially me so I need to get over it. Yet another sacrifice. It hurts being me. Barely ok enough to function at this point but I'm trying to not waste away completely. What more am I gonna have to lose/give up? Then again I don't really care about me so why would any1 else right.

1/19/15 Do Us a Favor

Finally  got over something just to have it come back worse. Couldn't you have just been genuine and love me? Why'd it have to be some sneaky sly shit that you tried to take back after it was too late. Why cant you just leave me alone. I'm tired of constantly wondering what's going on, how you feel. I end up just stuck waiting cus not even god wants what I want. When its all said and done I'm just gonna be alone with nothing. Be patient... What the fuck for. Sometimes I just want to end it so I'm not so stressed out anymore. No body cares about me but me so just let me be. String me along for what? If you wanted to you would so clearly you don't want to so just go. Why are you still here? Do you like hurting me? You want a wife and all this stuff and I barely feel like a gf. I don't want to give myself away for nothing anymore. Why do people think its OK to do this to me. I'm always making mistakes, never doing anything right. I'm trying so hard to live a life I want and like but I can't do it by myself and no one wants to do it with me. My convictions, my beliefs, the path I want my life on, none of those things matter not even to me cus I'll compromise it all just for someone to stay. My heart is broken, my trust betrayed, and clearly not all ends are tied. I'm so tired for being the bad guy for being emotional or thinking. I'm tired of hurting. Can no one love me like me? No one understands or they don't care. Why would they?

(to self) Its all your fault. You let people treat u however hoping they'll love you more when really it just makes you unworthy of their love and affection. Why would anyone want a door mat. Hell you were raped cus you quit fighting, who would want that. Who would want you? That love me crying shit is why no one wants you now. Even a piece of shit like drew didn't want you. You should definitely be alone. Go do the world a favor.

1/13/15 Anniversary

So I barely get any hugs kisses. Horny all day tell him. House to ourselves still nothing. He plays the video game gets gifts. At dinner tells me he got me an engagement ring but lost it (fell out his pocket) and needs help looking. After dinner I ask if he looked for it already (no), did he want to look (no). Get in the house still doesn't touch me have to get in his face to get a kiss goodnight cus he's already back on the game. I go to sleep just to get woke up an hr later cus he's gotta nut to go to sleep. 10min later I'm completely unsatisfied and wide awake, he's snoring. He enjoyed the shit outta his day and little does he know I cried earlier today cus I just wanted a real kiss that I didn't have to ask for first, at least today...

Morning, after I found the rings in the car under his seat, he gives them both to me tells me its not just a present happy anniversary its the wrong ring....so no proposal and I can't even wear them cus they only fit that finger. Later that day he says he was going to propose in the morning before work but he didn't and could have.

I think I helped him change his mind. He has them and still hasn't and its the 6th...you ask your baby mama 4 times all no's but won't ask me....he's not ready.

Worse he doesn't think I'll keep him happy.

Update (1-30) bought a different ring and still nothing. He don't want to. He's not ready.

New Years 2015

OK my NY didn't completely suck but...no one asked me if I wanted to go to a show. NY eve had sex took a nap then waited Hrs for rob to get up. Last min throw on work clothes and buy him weed and Paul. Get there and basically fend for myself as he talks to everyone and enjoys himself. Midnight rolls around and no kiss cus he's not even by me. He drank all the champagne. He had fun. It was all about what he wanted. I couldn't even take off my hat my outfit wasn't nice at all. Idk it was OK but not really. All I did was try to keep him happy and he had a ball but what about me. Now he's got a headache and blah blah so I guess my year is all set for servitude... I'm not sure what else I'm here for. Oh and I was told I'm not the backbone/motivator he needs. I have not been told I love you yet and I'm sure I'll be wrong if I bring any of this up to him. I just wanted to spend time with him. I wanted him to want to be with me. Not looking around after everyone has said happy new year cus it just clicked you're nowhere near me. Then ask can I get my kiss...really? He says he follows me all the time but he doesn't. We don't do what I want or go where I want. I'm just an extension of him. Well his year started good I guess. Even my birthday is supposed to be all about what he wants and I have to share it with his sister he doesn't even talk to...sometimes I feel like I should just be alone cus that's the only way I'll be number one, is if I'm the only one.