My Daddy's Name is Donor

I've been reading a lot of stories from children from sperm donors and let me start by saying that these people have a right to feel however they feel period. I don't agree with all these feelings however. There seems to be a lot of bashing of the donor for wanting to be anonymous. Why? If you're in the hospital and you need blood you don't get mad because you don't know exactly who gave the blood to save your life so why get mad because you don't know who gave the seed to give you life. Though some personality traits can be genetic your genes don't make you who you are. He didn't give you away he made it possible for you to be here. You should be thanking this kind stranger. Even if he just did it for money (which is also a big reason people donate blood and plasma) so what? You're here! Be happy your parent/s not only wanted you enough to not give up but that people like your donor even took the time to donate their sperm instead of throw it away for real. Other than adopted children you are some of the most wanted children in the world. (Statistically most children conceived the "traditional way" weren't planned and there are no records of any "donor children" ending up an orphan) Who told you, you weren't complete because you've never met your donor. You may be technically genetically related be he is not your family. That's like saying your lesbian second mom isn't your mom because you don't share DNA or worse she's at best an aunt and her donor brother is your dad. Seriously? Now it is a lot your parent/s fault if you didn't find out until late in life. Pretending and lying will mess up your kid and makes them feel like their origin/conception is something to be ashamed of. Why hide the fact that now we live in a time where modern medicine allowed you to make your dreams come true. Your child is a blessing even more so because of how they got here. My child may not see it my way and that's his/her right but they'll have all the facts up front and be given the chance to make an informed well thought out opinion. Give credit where credit is due point your angry in the right direction then let it go. Life is meant to be lived. How you got here isn't as important as what you do once you're here.

Staying on Track

We all have days that make us question if we're doing the right thing. Yesterday was one of those days... after some thought I've realized a few things. One good day doesn't take away from all the bad ones. As well as being nice to someone doesn't mean you're obligated to give them everything or that it's your responsibility to keep them happy. That being said I will not be put in a position to choose friendship over what I want. If you were really my friend you would be even if I didn't do things your way, though I understand. Sometimes it's ok to put yourself first. I'm not trying to be selfish or mean I'm just trying to find a little happiness. A crumb off the pie of life isn't too much to ask for. And I can say with great confidence it's less than I deserve.

Pick Your Battles

I am quickly learning that despite the relevance or even necessity of a conversation it can still not be worth getting into. In the end a decision will be made and if you can't seem to contribute like a mature adult don't get mad when you dislike the results. Some things I just got to let go. I'm going to do me and try not to worry about the rest. It's about time I worry about me and my happiness. Not everyone will see my point or understand and that's ok. That's life. It ain't always fair but you only get one. Make the most of it.

Surgery and the Final Straw

After surgery yesterday taking care of myself getting way too drunk and stooping so low I took a good look in the mirror. That drunken pathetic girl is not me, that bad bitch doing the damn thing fresh out of surgery, yeah that's me. I'm more determined than ever. I deserve to be happy and I don't need permission from anyone. Your approval not required.


PS I'm DONE with D!!! Only God can save me.

Mother May I?

So my mom has managed to make me feel completely inadequate and unable to take care of a child. I understand that's not how she feels. She did give me a couple things to consider but nothing that would stop me. She wants me wait till 28 pretty much so I'm damn near if not 29 by the time the baby actually gets here. I've only been 25 for 3mos. That's four yrs! No fuck that. That's what I'm trying to not deal with, having my first kid at 30. I believe if the lord blesses me with a child he's got my back on taking care of it. I'm relying on my strength my faith my smarts me and my God to raise this kid. I know that's more than enough and it's what I want more than anything. My heart is just so full of pain and sadness from all angles and sometimes I feel like it's just too much. In my rut I told Mr. X that I might not go through with it... regretted it as soon as I hit send. I know I can do this! My reasons are good. I am only human and had a weak moment; I just hope Mr. X doesn't think I'm being flaky. I wonder how seriously Mr. X is even considering this anyway. Don’t want to get my hopes up especially since it seems like a really good idea. Got a feeling in the end I'll just be back where I started. Who knows?

Baby Baby Baby Oooh

Got babies on the brain. More just trying to figure out what the potential Mr. X is going to decide. Hoping he says yes and we can get started sometime in Aug/Sept. I found a morpher that shows what 2 peoples babies will look like. Needless to say of course I make cut babies with almost anyone. D and I made a really cute baby but M and I made a cuter one. Boy and girl. I'm aware that it’s just a program online but they were all so adorable. I just want one for now. I question if Mr. X will give me two but I don't want to spook him. D wants me to stay with him but it's not going to happen and it’s by far not the best for me. My mother is against the whole choice mom thing but seems to be supportive. She'd prefer it be different which I can understand. She's emptying the nest though with my sis graduating and leaving in Aug plus she's kind of got baby fever herself. She about fell in love with the pictures I showed her.  Dad just said wait till after my foot is good. Duh! M and T (aka baby mama or BM) seem to understand my reasons and have been in my corner from the start. The moving away and not being with D seems to be accepted unanimously. Go figure. I have a feeling once I'm actually pregnant everyone will accept it and make their true colors known. Trying to take it a day at a time. I'm honestly afraid to keep living and dealing with D. I'm finding it hard to be nice and civil and understanding. I just want to shoot him in the foot and run. Why the foot you ask... so he can't follow. I have dreams about hurting him physically and sometimes slip and actually hurt him emotionally. Just stay strong Nikki. ;s

Planning

Plan, plan, plan some more, then be ready to throw it all out the window! Seeing as how I can't do much I've decided to formalize my plans. Things I need to do b4 I leave: get school in order, have my taxes filed, get Maddix (dog) Mikki (ferret) and Miller (ferret) vaccinated, get a car, get a place, get a job, do all change of addresses, find a Mr. X, pack, get moving needs in order, leave current job, a few others and not in this order. Plus there are sub tasks for of these so lots to do. Unfortunately I can't do any of it. I have to wait at least 2+ months until I'm done with my foot and can go back to work. Still don't know how long it'll take to get a car even with my month head start. Wish I could just fast forward ;( but a sage told me patience and it is advice I'll take.

One Door Closes...

This may just mark the beginning of an interesting journey. I've decided to move to a different city in just under 10 months. Along with that I’m going to also be a (smbc) single mother by choice. OMG! Yes I know it sounds crazy. Not to me but I'm sure you're shocked. Wrap your head around it a little and hold on because we're going for a ride. This is something that I've thought A LOT about, years actually for the smbc thing. I feel like I've been through a lot and mostly by myself. I have few friends and even fewer who know the full me. I say full because I'm always real. This is my outlet. Maybe now someone might be able to understand.