Last Night

Last night you proved despite me you're gonna do what you want to do
Yeah I had company but who I was waiting on was you

Last night you convinced me you had my back and wouldn't let me down
Yet here it is 7am and you're nowhere to be found

Last night you said you left so you wouldn't take your attitude out on me
Guess I was the only one in danger cus you went out with Jessie

Last night I watched you leave wondering what did I do wrong
Today I sit rejected singing the same old song

Last night you got me again with that grand old song and dance
Today my heads up my ass cus I fell for it and again gave you a chance

Last night I looked at you and saw the trouble on your face
Oh but don't worry Teddy Bear its nothing a quick slap can't erase

Last night I thought you finally took a step in the right direction
You can imagine my disappointment at my obvious misconception

Last night was last night, what more can I say
I shouldn't have expected anything different than any other day

Embracing the Darkness

I'm so fucking angry I literally saw red and I think I'm gonna puke! Completely shattered a glass jar by throwing it on a carpeted floor. No easy task. I can't stand where I am and have nowhere to go! I just wanna take this huge bottle and beat the hell outta my roommate. I'm not violent but I've run outta words. Outta patience. I don't care anymore. I'm tired of thinking first and being responsible for everything. Since not even God seems to care, why should I? Story of my life, I help I put in the work they benefit and I suffer. I'd rather just die and let the world take care of itself. I wish I cried blood, I have so much pain, I'd cry till my heart stopped. There's a deep darkness inside that I've been fighting... it now welcomes me with open arms to my new home.

Reflections

Looking back on my situation, and even just the last week, it’s always a mix of feelings that surface. It’s hard not to feel defeated sometimes. I get little encouragement and feel that I'm taking others lack of motivation into myself. I know what I want to do but it seems like it's so out of reach. I want to start my own jumpstart program for 3mo-5yr olds and be a mom. That's all I'm asking for in my life. I'm trying to keep my head up and stay strong. Even as I type I feel better. It's like with each word my battery is being recharged.
I've been having strange dreams lately. One in particular definitely made me look in the mirror. I've decided that even though what I've been doing may be frowned upon  I can't help how I feel and it’s not me betraying a trust. I'm not proud but I make my choice knowingly. My dream last night about had me in tears. Glimpses of me pregnant of me with my lo of my dayschool of everything I want and no matter how hard I tried to hold on to the pictures and moments they just kept slipping by. I just wanted to escape into them. I know that being pregnant would even make my current situation better but that's not a reason I want to be. What can I do other than plan and wait?

Randomness

Haven't posted in a while so figured I should. After two days of searching I finally think I've found the perfect period/ovulation tracker. I had one but it didn't allow me to chart or move my ovulation date. I thought I was good with another one I found but it didn't quite meet what I was looking for and it was brown, which despite my skin, is my least favorite color. Brown skin is different than a brown crayon or marker. I decided to go with fertility friend. It has backup and I can check and edit it from my phone or computer. As well it meets my basic needs and can be flipped to a pregnancy tracker if needed (which is ultimately the plan).

Still waiting on Mr. X to make a decision btw, but I understand it’s not an easy one and I’ve had much longer to think. Not sure how long I'll be waiting but if he agrees it'll be worth the wait. If he doesn't I don't know what I'm going to do. Sperm bank maybe but I am liking the idea of whoever being involved in the child's life. Don't really trust anyone else like that though so solo it looks like its going to be.

Had a decent day today and may be headed out with friends. Maybe a break is coming but I'm keeping my eyes open and my guard up. I've learned my lesson.