It seems like no matter what i do everything is my fault. At the end of the day it probably is. Its my fault my relationship is crashing its my fault my life is the way it is. Its my fault d treated me how he did and did what he did. Its my fault Im miserably lonely, that i have no friends. That i get treated like shit by ppl who say they care. Its my fault i was hit by a truck and lost my job. Its my fault i can't get pregnant and that i lost it the two times i did. Its my fault my bf is bored. Its my fault Im afraid of everything. Had i not come around my bf would probably be working things out with his bm. Hell his brain even equivilated where they are as "home". Im not anyone's home Im not where anyone wants to be. Unfortunately Im also the only one stuck with me. Its my fault my mother never found love or that my father ever had the privilege of dating her. My fault i have no motivation to do anything. My fault, its my Fault im not worthy and for that Im to be punished. I talk too much, love too much want too much need too much. I don't compromise enough or give enough. I push too much and that's why nobody stays. No one understands me and that's my fault too. Too complex too broken and damaged. Who would want to deal with that? I don't even want to deal with it. I hate me and the way i am more than anyone ever will. I don't blame god for not giving me what i want nor for the things i go through. If it were up to me i wouldn't give me shit and let me go through more. I bring it upon myself and deserve to suffer. Its all my fault.
I wrote this originally in April...i hate to say that in a lot of ways i still feel the same. I might even have some to add to replace the ones id take out. I see how things are and its up to me to make a choice... My fault or not.
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