Dear God

Lord,
I don't know what to do. I got so much going on and so much i can't do shit about. Im hiding out in my own damn house cus of some bs. I feel so alone and yet i have mixed feelings on if it actually should just be that way...Im so lost and Im so ready to just give up. What did i do? What am i doing wrong? Im so conflicted and mixed up my head hurts and Im dizzy. Help me. Please.

Backup Plan

Cohabitation -- commitment with an escape hatch

I'm just desperate...desperate for love security marriage to be a mother friends ppl on my side to be understood. Im so lonely...maybe i need a back up plan. Not an escape but a just in case...Idk. Where's the best friend in all this? Even Bella had Jacob. I really just feel like school all over again but worse cus we actually are adults now not just trying to be mature. How did i become the enemy when all i was trying to do was make friends? Destined to be alone. I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone on the inside and surrounded by ppl. Its not fair of me to put on my child filling that void. If i even get a child. Im not gonna ask for change, its not my place, but if it doesn't then what? I don't have a backup plan.

Lonely

People don't like me. I've been told its cus Im weird or i talk too much or apparently i tell it like it is (nicely) and that makes people not want to talk to me. I don't know what it is Im just tired of being lonely. I have no friends and the people i thought were friends really weren't and even my bf doesn't like talking to me if he thinks its irrelevant/unimportant. So is that what a friend is? Someone who sticks around as long as they are getting something they want? Guess Im just meant to spend my life surrounded and alone. I can't trust anyone anyway. Its so bad i find myself telling strangers my personal business just to get it off my chest. Then i feel awkward and worried they might know someone i do knowing i shouldn't have said anything. Im one of those people that when someone says how are you i have to remember 99% of the time no matter who it is it's a rhetorical question. Nobody cares enough to listen. I talk too much but mostly cus Im constantly repeating myself in different ways. So either i continue to explain to closed ears or say it once and still be misunderstood. Either way Im fucked so i guess i just shouldn't talk...even this doesn't really help cus no one cares. I do everything for everyone and people won't even talk to me... Its fucked up when you watch someone talk about bs all day then you talk for less than 5 min and get rushed along. Like when you spend an hour at your bm house listening to bs you've been telling her about for 5 yrs but can't listen to your gf for literally a couple sentences on multiple occasions. Or when you sit for over an hour listening to someone talk in circles then when its your gfyou get cut off after the first sentence and they continue to talk. If they don't care they don't listen so at the end of the day no one is listening to me. Makes for a lonely existence...especially when you yourself are still listening. I guess no one is ever gonna care that much about me.