Maybe Baby

Ok so due to everyone potentially freaking out and bm having issues with my current life choices that "effect" her I feel I have no where to turn but here. This is where I can be me and say how I feel. I know most ppl find this by accident or just sneak a peek now and again but I appreciate anyone who takes the time. My family would understand me a lil better and my mother would get to see what's really going on in my life. This is like my brain on paper. Not sharing with the forum ladies just yet (the ones that dont read) but mostly cus I want to wait till this is posted. This is where the story is told at its best.

Any who, ® and I decided it was his choice whether or not we tried since my mind was made. Basically I wasn't going on birth control so he was either gonna wrap it or not. We had agreed that at the point we were at the 90days didn't serve a purpose anymore and he was informed of my fertile days. To my surprise he decided to "donate" to the baby bank (a few times ;D)! I actually haven't done any temps or opks this cycle but I do know my 3 day window. Right now we are just seeing what happens vs "actively" trying. Winging it and enjoying this ride. I can't believe this could be it. I'm trying to be cautiously optimistic. I o today according to FF and I've been crampy/bloated since mid yesterday. Technical timing would be something like:
insem #1- +opk
#2- around 12hrs post +opk
#3- around 24hrs post +opk 
It wasn't planned that way and making a baby hasn't even been on the list of reasons why we...(um)... worked out together lol but it was a conscious decision to finish together. I've got some lower back ache going as I type this and a #4 would have been nice this morning, for a few reasons ;), but alas its no big deal and I awoke happy and snuggled with my dog (black one) and a rescue I've been fostering for a couple weeks. :) I could be cooking a lil one right now but we'll just have to wait and see. Now its off to fix what's going on with bm (post on that coming soon, just don't have the whole story yet). Wish me luck and baby dust. :) Have a Great Sunday.

Letting Go and Sacrifice

I had a conversation with bm and have done a lot of thinking. I don't think many will understand what I've done to get here. To be in love like this, to have a bf, to be thinking about all these things, I had to let go. There was so much that took place inside myself. I was so damaged I had a wall up as thick as the Hoover Dam. It's true what they say about love being one of the most powerful things on earth. It is truly a gift we don't understand and take for granted. I made a huge sacrifice! I let that wall down and opened up completely. It wasn't easy and I'm still scared but I've experienced a joy I beginning to think didn't exist. At least not for me. I trust completely and am excited about the future. I was engaged to be married and trying to have a kid two years ago but I haven't felt this passionate about it till now. Never had to work this hard to wait. Never had someone so on the same level, page, as me. I'm really starting to not care what others think and actually just enjoy living MY life. After everything I've been through, hell 2012 alone, I think its about damn time I get to be happy. It kinda started to seem like everyone was unhappy once I became happy. I wanted to pull my hair out I was so stressed cus I didn't want to lose what I'd found but didn't want to lose what I had either. As time has progressed I've realized if I lost what I had then I never really had it and to lose what I've found would be my own fault. I still have my friends and keeping them happy with my life isn't my job. Its a new concept for me, just seeing what happens and doing me, but its how things should be. Its not all bad, I'm trying to stay positive.

Baby Fever

It seems like its coming early this year. Baby making is indeed in the air. I have two close friends who are 16 and 20wks pregnant. Women on the boards are getting preggers every day and new babies keep being born and fussed over on my fb news feed. I can't stand it, ugh! I'm happy for my friends and all but I want one. With the way things are with the bf I have no doubt that I want him to be the father. I don't like the idea of him raising a child that isn't his but was conceived while we were together. If I had my way I'd be pregnant already. Was supposed to start in December as you know but that didn't work out. Its January and as I come up on my fertile period I can help but feel sad. The fact that it's actually possible to conceive this month and knowing that I won't be is killing me. I'm waiting to see what the bf will decide and praying it wont take long. Things got moved back to March but even that is not soon enough for me.

I know I'm young, unmarried, just starting a relationship, and moving. Reality is not lost on me. I have been playing Mommy in one way or another since I was 7. I lost my grandparents young but unfortunately not young enough to be spared the trauma. My mother is only 4 years younger than her mother was when she died. I can see that she's getting older and tho I don't think she will die soon I still worry about my kids not getting time with her. I'm worried about my miscarriage history effecting my ability to conceive/carry a child. I'm worried about my foot effecting my pregnancy and parenting. I want to have kids while I can and I feel my window (best child baring yrs) are ending. I'll be 26 in less than a month. I've ALWAYS planned on having at least one by now. The kicker; he (the bf) loves touching and rubbing my belly. I want to cry every time cus all I can think is "there's nothing in there". All I can picture is us expecting, me pregnant our hands intertwined over my big pregnant belly. When is it my turn? Sorry for the vent but it looks like baby dust is in the air but again will be passing over me. Lord I'm so tired of waiting.

21 Days

This is partly so late cus I was afraid of what people might think but this is 2013, my blog, and my life. I can't make everyone happy and I personally have been so happy. Don't like it, that's your problem. So, here goes...

The last 3wks have been insane! 3 days after my last post my world was flipped upside down. I went and hung out with a friend from hs (R) and after 4hrs we were smitten. We have seen each other almost every day since 12/18/12. We've talked about the future and I've been good about letting go of the (my) past. We started talking kids probably the first or second day, ® has 2 and was thinking about a 3rd. What single guy thinks about having a kid let alone a 3rd while in his mid 20's? He has only contributed DNA to one but regardless he has 2. That of course opened the door for me to share about becoming an smbc. We talked about how it worked and donor sperm and my plans. He seemed interested in the overall topic and possibly being a KD (known donor) within a co-parenting situation. He's tall Carmel pretty eyed and mixed so I planned to give it some thought. As the first week came to an end it was clear we were falling. We spent new years together with bm including a kiss at midnight :). We spent most that week talking, learning new things about each other, catching up, and spending time together. We are very much on the same page with each other and in life. (Except he already is a dad) On the first anniversary of my accident, January 3 2012, I was once again hit and knocked off my feet. HE TOLD ME HE LOVES ME!!! I said it back and mean it with all my terrified lil heart. <3 The next day we were an official couple and 4 days later here we are today happy and in love. ;D We are on a 90day no sex rule that we are trying hard to keep. Yes I know this all sounds crazy and like we are moving at the speed of light but idc. He's amazing and I may not know about tomorrow but today is a happy one.

So what about ttc and moving and all that? Now that you're up to speed here's the deal... ® (aka the bf [eek!]) Is on the fence still about us having a kid so soon especially with how things ended up. (See we haven't completely lost our minds) I, however, am not delaying becoming a mom and that's been made clear. I have been racking my brain on it, now not as thrilled about using a donor, but ultimately I see how he feels about his oldest that's not blood and I know my lil one will be loved regardless. Also if he decides not to try with me its not like I don't have another option. I kinda tracked this cycle with temps. I only narrowed it to 3days instead of actual o day and didn't use opks but thanks to a consistent LP and now being on CD 3 I am confident of my o day. This cycle I will be temping but no opks again. Funny thing is I o the day our 90days is up in March. That wasn't on purpose btw.

Bm and I are still moving together in February and ® will be moving somewhere close as he too is looking for a place. (Same page thing see) I am looking to get my CDA and start working in a daycare. We both have some loose ends to tie but things are going well for me, thank you Jesus! Y'all know I was not the happiest camper. My lawyer is doing his job and getting some things taken care of so that is good. It might not be as bad as I feared. Keep praying for me. Life has a way of reminding you to stay on your toes. Much like babies it can and usually will change in the blink of an eye. Time seems to be going so fast right now and I'm going along for the ride. I've been waiting for something to turn around, get better, and boy I was not expecting this. Looking for places here at home with bm and I'm just a few weeks away. 2013 is off to a great start!

Birdie Inspired Update

So a little birdie told me today that they actually read my blog. (Thanks S) I have kinda updated the ladies on NW's forum and some things have changed in the week since my last post so I figured I'd get everyone up to speed. I still have not received my settlement but unfortunately it looks like it might not be where me and my lawyer originally thought that it would be. This definitely affects all of my plans and I may have to come up with a plan D E & F at this point. As of right now because nothing is finalized I am still hoping to move to Columbus and become an SMBC. Due to the current change of events however I may not be able to do 1 the other or either so of course ttcing has been put on hold until further notice. Scary as it sounds I may not actually even have the funds to move somewhere within my current city making me broke and homeless. Of course I can always stay with family until I get some funds but I'm trying to avoid that at all costs. I have been against finding a job in Indianapolis right now because I wanted to move out of the city but I think I'm going to go ahead and break down and find something just in case. It's amazing what can happen in 7 days. It's sad that I was hit by a truck and may end up with less money than I had the day I was struck but at least my medical bills will be taken care of as well as my lawyer, go figure. Now I find myself hoping for the best and preparing for the worst but thankfully I have some idea of where to go from here. At least finding a job and a place to stay in my hometown will be a lot easier and if I can find something soon I may be back on track to try early 2013. Last cycle was all over the place being at a record short of 25 days and I o'ed 2 days early. Even if I had 1,000,000 dollars right now there's no way I'd be able to insem this month as I ovulate Christmas Day! I wanted to keep tracking anyway so I'd still be inseming sometime around January or February without all the new hassles of my settlement issue. Realistically I'm probably looking at March or April at the earliest because I still have to move. I think staying in our hometown will actually work out a little better at least for right now because BM will have a better chance of coming with me, as she's been worried about money issues too. It's still out of my hands and I'm just preparing and waiting to see what happens. Who knows $anta might give me a good gift this year. Thank you all who read my blog and please send prayers good wishes and baby dust my way. Have a good holiday if I don't post by Xmas.

Back to Basics

Oh my it has been far too long. I have found myself mentally back where I started. I am leaving the ultimate decision up to God. Depending on my settlement I'll be going with plan A B or C. I still very much want to go to Columbus and be a mom but I'm taking it outta my hands. I am going to start a vlog on YouTube if I indeed become a smbc. I've been doing all kinds of thinking and I'm just super excited about the future. Other than that things are just kinda slow. It is officially the second week in December and by the new yr things should be rolling. It coming close but I'm trying to stay faithful. I wish I had more the say but really life is just day to day. Need to start doing something's for moving like going through the boxes in the attic. I'm a lil behind on my timeline but some things I just can't do yet. Hopefully I'll have some news to share and progress to report in a week or so. Also I wanted to share that I've joined pintrest and I love it! Can't wait to start using it at the new place. Oh and I finally got my tat colored. Blue snowflakes on my leg, so pretty.

Relieved

ok so after my long rant i had a nice long talk with my parents. my mom didnt realize i needed her to tell me it was ok to do this even if she didnt agree. after that was established it was smooth sailing. my dad just doesnt want to lose his little girl and doesnt agree with the way im doing it but again has given me the ok. i feel so much better like SO much better! i still think my mother has some selfish reasons and my dad was wrong for laughing but they gave me the ok. i have also made a visit to columbus again with baby mama and she loved it! i love it and im so excited. i want to move forward and i want everything to finally come down the pipe so i can get started. been haveing some issues with my opks (4 days of positives and counting) but im pretty sure ive ovulated and it was within a normal time period so i think im still ok. this is short i know but there isnt really much to say. im in the waiting game right now so the rest is just life as normal. d is still getting on my nerves lol and im still in flux with my settlement and so everything just seems to be stuck in the pipes but i keep moving. i try to stay positive and i find myself talking about my soon to be new start like its gonna happen with confidence i hadnt before. im claiming a girl and keeping hope that everything will work out as i planned. i have already named my girl Izabella Josafín and honestly have no idea what im gonna name him if i have a boy but i dont really have to worry about either for a like 6-8months and thats if im lucky lol. all in all i feel like its coming you know like its just around the corner and i just need to hold on a lil more.