8/5/14 Unblessed Home

We seem to have forgotten that when times get hard, that is the very best time to become a family. That is the very best time to combine forces and try to make it together. That’s what our grandparents did, and our great grandparents did. They took each other in worse, and worked together to create better...So. To all of you waiting and wondering? You don’t get perfect. You just get someone that you want to spend imperfect with. And that is the biggest gift in the world.

The way I see it, you don't need everything to be perfect to get married. There's not some magical algorithm for how you know when things are finally just right. There's no magic amount of money to have saved in the bank. There's no perfect configuration of jobs and school and family and duration of relationship.

Unfortunately, putting off marriage indefinitely can have unintended negative consequences, especially for couples who are fit for marriage in every way except financially.

But none of that matters cus I don't control how I live my life. What I want for me and my future family is irrelevant cus at the end of the day I'm not in control of shit. Being right with my god and what I feel is right in my heart and spirit don't mean anything. Continue to push and struggle because nothing is truly being blessed here. Not even allowed a child. But its all about money and financial stability which doesn't even exist....not sure why I even bother anymore. My life doesn't belong to me. Can't even have a conversation. Who even noticed I changed? Who cares. I ready to just give up, drew was enough yet here I am walking some of the exact paths again. I should just go. This isn't where I should be.

7/9/14

So just cus you want it, it must be so? Its now required for you to fuck another bitch before you'll marry me. We can't elope and even if we have 2 weddings its all about what you want. I will never have real support from my family, never know what it's like to be in a big beautiful gown, I don't even expect gifts from most people no matter how much of an advanced notice they get. I just want to do what feels right to me, unfortunately that's not forcing my way on others. You say you got a date in mind but that just means there's an invisible timeline I have no clue about and I'm positive its nowhere near soon for the marriage part...to think I thought it might have been at least a little possible to get married today. Its gonna be drew all over again...you need another bitch to show me what you can do? You don't even go long enough to satisfy me and yet I keep pulling new shit out the bag. You can't keep up but you're not gonna have any problems with another bitch. She's the key to unlock what I shoulda been getting. Why? Even after what drew did you don't care. You're gonna take off the condom youre gonna be so focused on you and this new key bitch I'm literally gonna be ignored or only there to add to what you want. What I want doesn't matter. You're way or the high way, then when I do it that way I'm not independent enough...there's no pleasing someone as spoiled and selfish as you...you said that one yourself...you just don't realize you're not the only one unsatisfied.  I don't see you tryna do shit about it either. Lol oh wait, I meant other than forcing me to watch you fuck someone else and give what apparently I don't qualify to get by myself. Selfish bastard, even your tat ain't got shit to do with me if you don't want it to.

Blind 1/31/14

Blind as a bat, can't read between the lines? Do you just not care cus you're too busy looking over there? Don't worry about me I've been here before. Left alone in the dark fighting a silent war. Doesn't really matter who wins its about the battle and the blood. Praying begging god to bring another flood. Wipe the slate clean do something good for mother earth. Made a mistake saving humans cus all they do is hurt. Spoiled and selfish afraid to tell the truth. Fucked up thing is till the end I'd be there if this were you...

Disappointed

To be 100% I made a mistake. I wanted something different and shoulda stuck with it but I didn't and I can't undo the past. At the end of the day you're responsible for you're own actions, good or bad, so I can't get mad if I miss out on something i coulda had...

I need to just face facts!
*I've been giving the milk cream and chz away for free: can't except 'em to want to buy the cow.
*There are now children involved.
*I'm in love.
*I don't run/control/lead shit in this situation.
*I may never marry this man due to me being me.
*This spot I'm in is my fault.
*I'm almost 30.

Its just hard to be thankful, sometimes, for what I do have when I know what I could have. I made a choice, I'll live with it. Is there ever a time when you have to give up what you have cus its not what you want even when its your fault? Wish I could go back, I'd do it right. I'm disappointed in myself. I think I really messed up and I can't fix it just learn from it...I thought I learned this lesson already! Shit :(

Love Who?

It is clear you don't know what love is. How can you say you love me but you won't even kiss me. How can you love me when the more you see me in pain the less it bothers you. You say you want to get married but you don't know yet, I'm too me and not sexin enough. But you love me enough for no means no don't you? You don't talk to me, you don't like me, you barely respect me...you're unsatisfied with you and somehow Ive fault for it. You love money, music, your kids, not me. When your go to solution for any problem is breaking up, you're just looking for a good enough reason. I wish I could give it to you, the space you want, but I'm kinda stuck here for now. I don't feel loved, I don't see it, and at this point I don't want it. I just wish I didn't love you so much. Love is not something you just feel, it's something you do, and its not sex....so you love who? You love the shit outta me right, want to make me understand, funny how I only hear it when you think you're in trouble or you're trying to stay outta it. You seem so upset when I say it. Who would ever want to end up with me anyway? Doesn't matter that I look good now (according to you I didn't before) not enough to keep you, but you're never satisfied anyway...

What Doesn't Matter...

Here's my verbal vomit for the night...I want to be excepted for exactly who I am. I want to be married to the love of my life like yesterday. I want the stupid shit to stop. I want our baby. I want to be free. I don't want to be judged by ppl who say they love me. I don't want to look in the mirror and feel bad cus I'm afraid my reflection isn't good enough. I want to be closer to god. I want to feel like an adult. I want to grow up. I want to belong to you but more so I want you to belong to me. I want it to work. I want to work at making it work. I don't want to wait, I honestly don't see the point. I want to lose hope so it won't hurt as much. I want you to make up your mind, realize its a choice you continue to make. I want to see how much you care, feel it. I want you to love me like I love you. I want to feel better. I want happiness.

New Leaf

There has been so much going on I almost can't think straight. Something big yet invisible has happened and I must say I feel like I'm floating. Such a weight has been lifted from me and all I can do is thank God.

I can finally say the drama with the bm is over! I was trying to prepare for the worst and what I got was more than I coulda hoped for. I became fed up with the disrespect. I did what I thought was right and demanded respect and space/time between ® and bm. Lol of course I kinda got cussed out by her and he wasn't gonna not talk to her for shit..... I was mad at God and thought myself hated. I thought ® was choosing his friendship over our relationship. I all but asked him to leave. I couldn't bring myself to do so. I was at the end and falling quickly into a nightmare. Then it turns out bm has been confronted, threatened, and put in her place. Not at all how I thought it had to go but definitely how it needed to. Of course they're still friends and will probably blur the lines with their friendship for the rest of my life but its always clear when a line is crossed no matter how blurry and I know if it is ® has it taken care of.

I asked God to tell me if this was my husband. This isn't the first time, its the second. First time was 12/31/2012... I asked if he were that at midnight he would kiss me. Well he ended up having to go home and through random events actually ended up with me at midnight. I had no idea what time it was (I was running my mouth) and at midnight he turned my face to his, kissed me, and said happy new year. Two days later he said he loved me and the next day we where official....

Its been a long year with so many ups downs twists and turns. I believe ® is my husband and with this situation put to rest I walk with confidence down this path my life is on. It's time to turn over a new leaf. I'm embracing my future and thanking God for his deliverance and my husband.