Purging

Im just so upset right now. How is it you just can't help but love your bm when she is how she is. Im doing more over here than she is over there but she can get my love? She's been a bitch she's been regressing into her old ways she's using your kids to manipulate you and you're feeding right into it. She gets special treatment and for what? So she won't use your kids...too late. Im so glad she can talk to you about all the shit she can't change and all the bullshit you "don't" care about but i can't. You say its bs and you ain't paying attention but you got to go over there to talk. Its got to be in person. Do i look stupid? Bitch got a phone and y'all talk all the time. She continues to disrespect me and you let her. You even cross lines for her an if i were to say anything to her id be in trouble. I could show you the true value of a dollar. I could help you be the best man. One better than our fathers. I guess that's not my place. Despite your "help". You have no patience for me you don't remember anything of mine tho you used to. You literally tell me to shut up now. You don't respond when i try to talk...you just get mad and silent.

I want what we had in the beginning. I want you to grow up. I want your best for me and your kids. I want you to open your eyes. I want your heart. I want you to be ready for me. I want you yo be the one...i thought you were...now not so much. It hurts...i want it to stop hurting. You could do so much more and yet i ask so little. I do so much and yet you ask for more. If i left you, you wouldn't fight to keep me. If i left you with what you came in with, you'd want to fight me. If i leave I'll want to die. Im hopeless and i am done. I am through with love. Being a good person only gets you fucked. Love gets you fucked. Relationships aren't logical and only exist for the lonely and dependant enabling the behavior thus rotating the cycle. Shouldn't have ran...now my head hurts and again i can't have a min to be human cus kids are about to get up. Tears are for the privileged. I can't afford emotions.

Going...

I think Im losing my mind. Again i feel like i can't control my emotions. All i want to do is show my love...take my time enjoy the moments that make me happy. I can't. Instead Im clingy and annoying. Im ashamed to even cry now but at this moment it seems it won't stop. Like a cup slowly overflowing. Im trying to compensate for the things i have to wait for. Try to compromise but the more i try not to lose myself the more i don't see it working. I want to live my life a certain way and this is not it. Is it possible to love too much? How do you take something so special for granted? I want so much to be worth something but maybe Im just not. Maybe an extra few seconds with me aren't worth it. Maybe he's not the right one...i can't believe i did it again. Why can't i be rescued. Im so tired of being strong and now its required...i don't know what to do. I finally think about me and it turns out Im not on anyone's page. I just can't seem to get it right.

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words

Keeper of The Key

Dear Keeper,

I love you like no one else ever will and more than you may ever truly know. Please understand that my heart aches because of what you've done. You let someone else into a part of your heart that was supposed to be mine. This means you truly are not mine. I just can't make myself ok with that but i am trying hard to push forward. I want you but i want you to myself. You have cheated with your heart and to me that is worse than any carnal act. Im not sure how to feel nor what to do. I guess Im writing this to tell you how i feel.

Tonight you are being faced with an opportunity. You must decide what it is you want. I am scared but i feel like i have to do what's best for me. I want a "husband" a family i want commitment and if Im being selfish i want life all with you. Im ready and if you aren't i understand but you can't string me along until you are. I need to feel secure before i allow anything else into the picture. I don't feel secure right now. Im trying to hold on but you're so hot and cold i just end up with my feelings hurt. You say its not on purpose so maybe you need some time to figure you out. I don't know what else to do. I want to be happy...we were happy and now Im literally waiting to see if you're gonna leave me or not knowing that even if you don't we no longer want the same things. Do what you want but be ready to except the consequences of your actions good or bad. I won't make you a priority when Im only an option.

WAIT ... WHAT?!?

I am about to die...apparently bf loves his bm AGAIN that's what! Take me now please. Now that she's learned her lesson the hard way he sees her in a new light. He says he doesn't want her back..i believe it. He says that now he's afraid of commitment again. He doesn't want to be hurt by someone new. Now that he can't be in his normal pattern of wanting his ex he doesn't know what to do...ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS!!!! Oh and he's afraid Im going to leave him yet doesn't even know if he wants to be with me. COME ON! I honestly have considered breaking up. This is killing me. How are you afraid of being hurt by probably the ONLY person who was willing and wanting to give a lifetime from literally almost day ONE????? Wtf! I don't know what to do my damn self...my heart hurts :'(

...AND after being told she was a bad friend partly for fucking my twin she fucks my bfs brother in my house! Im the only one working outta four adults and paying for everything and cooking. Working mom but can't get pregnant. Heart be still...:'( I don't like this movie anymore guys, somebody turn it off.

What Now?

So I've been informed that my bf feels like he got in our relationship too fast. Feels like he needs to be single. Wants to fuck other girls. Loves me and don't want to share me. Wants live lesbian porn basically but will be jealous of the girl...  oh and doesn't want anymore kids right now   what the fuck do i do now??? He's "in a pickle" and Im just sol fucked no matter what...This happens to me everyEVERYevery time. He says he's not mature enough responsible enough for me. His words... Im even trying to find him girls to fuck to keep him and make him happy but at the end of the day history will repeat itself and Im sure to find myself as alone as i feel. Im never gonna catch a break. Don't have the money nor insurance to go it alone now and Im almost positive my cycles are actually messing up now. Early oh i consistent days... Im damaged and insignificant i see that now.shoulda known this whole thing was too good to be true...now Im in love committed and on the verge of being hurt again. Lets just get it over with already. Bm got a car you can use now, just in time.

Dreams

In my dreams I've been betrayed and or left in some of the worst ways. I don't know what it means but i don't like it. There is something wrong and i don't know what it is. I wonder what it'd be like to live in a the dream. Then again it feels like i already am. I see the pattern.