I think I just got....well got. A couple days ago I told the bf that I was starting to feel like when it came to marriage I could wait. I felt like by already being 90% wife and letting him know whenever he asked it was a yes, I was setting myself up for disappointment. I never really got the courage to fully explain to him what all I meant but I tried to make it clear that maybe I shouldn't be so easy. Why buy the cow when you get the milk cream and butter for free...
I've been thinking (as usual) that maybe instead of having faith that he would step up, I should wait until he does before I agree to marry him. That would mean that if he were to ask today the answer would be no. I don't know if I could do that for one and his Bm did that to him 3 times. I don't know why she said no but she regrets it now that's for sure. At the same time I deserve an equal partner not a segregate child. I do believe he will be everything I see I just don't know when. He says I rushed pushed him into marriage yet he said I love you first (twice) mentioned marriage and kids first. I jumped on his bandwagon and he jumped off calling it mine. He change his mind about everything and I got stuck being in love with someone who no longer wanted anything I did.
Now he says he thinks he wants a kid and that he does want to spend his life with me but he wants to get his shit together first. That all sounds good but really he just bought another year. He says he wants to do it right whatever that means. He offered me a deal that if he hasn't asked by his birthday (10 months away) that we could break up. That's not ok with me so I didn't agree. Now I'm thinking if in almost another year he still isn't at a place to even ask for my hand maybe it might be time to go. I don't want to put a time limit on it but at the same time I don't want to spend years waiting just to end up worse off. Been there done that.
All of this over a piece of paper! We both agree its just a piece of paper that physically shows our commitment and binds us legally and spirtually. We already what to be together for life so what's wrong with spending $18 on the paper? The whole idea of a wedding is to share with friends and family but at the same time i honestly don't know if many actually care. Why spend all that money? It would be nice yes but my own mother doesn't approve of him. Sometimes I feel like its just us in this world. It's fitting that we make the next step just us. Maybe we can do it big for a vowel renewal or something but I really believe doing it right would be simply making it official asap.
At this point in my life I understand marriage is a constant growing and changing process. Its not to fix a troubled relationship or make things better. I see it for what it is and I'm ready to take that next step. I want to be married b4 I have kids and I want him to prove his commitment before I share him. I won't be made a house wife without being a wife.
Not to mention this next year-2 yrs is going to be big and busy what with moving and him working and his music both as an artist and producer...it'll be 2015/16 before we even get engaged. No thank you! He's such a profectionist things will never be right enough. Its like he wants to be married before getting married. If we eloped then had something big later...that's about what we'd be doing actually. I'm not seeing the problem. Even our religion says we should be married already but really who doesn't shack tho I'm tired of shocking. I don't want to make my mothers mistakes and he's more than capable of floating for yrs in a relationship. My limit seems about 2/3 he's 5+. I don't think so.
We talked about it some and basically he's got his guaranteed yes back he's closer to being shared and this 10 months is kinda floating in the air giving him breathing room and I...well I get to wait. I'm not sure how that happened and I don't seem to have the courage to really speak on my behalf. Like Steve Harvey said
"Your objective is to avoid being on a string. The first step, I think, is to get over the fear of losing a man by confronting him. Just stop being afraid, already. The most successful people in this world recognize that taking chances to get what they want is much more productive than sitting around being too scared to take a shot. The same philosophy can be applied to dating: if putting your requirements on the table means you risk him walking away, it's a risk you have to take. Because that fear can trip you up every time; all too many of you let the guy get away with disrespecting you, putting in minimal effort and holding on to the commitment to you because you're afraid he's going to walk away and you'll be alone again. And we men? We recognize this and play on it, big time." - From Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man
Its just a piece of paper...
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