Love Who?

It is clear you don't know what love is. How can you say you love me but you won't even kiss me. How can you love me when the more you see me in pain the less it bothers you. You say you want to get married but you don't know yet, I'm too me and not sexin enough. But you love me enough for no means no don't you? You don't talk to me, you don't like me, you barely respect me...you're unsatisfied with you and somehow Ive fault for it. You love money, music, your kids, not me. When your go to solution for any problem is breaking up, you're just looking for a good enough reason. I wish I could give it to you, the space you want, but I'm kinda stuck here for now. I don't feel loved, I don't see it, and at this point I don't want it. I just wish I didn't love you so much. Love is not something you just feel, it's something you do, and its not sex....so you love who? You love the shit outta me right, want to make me understand, funny how I only hear it when you think you're in trouble or you're trying to stay outta it. You seem so upset when I say it. Who would ever want to end up with me anyway? Doesn't matter that I look good now (according to you I didn't before) not enough to keep you, but you're never satisfied anyway...

What Doesn't Matter...

Here's my verbal vomit for the night...I want to be excepted for exactly who I am. I want to be married to the love of my life like yesterday. I want the stupid shit to stop. I want our baby. I want to be free. I don't want to be judged by ppl who say they love me. I don't want to look in the mirror and feel bad cus I'm afraid my reflection isn't good enough. I want to be closer to god. I want to feel like an adult. I want to grow up. I want to belong to you but more so I want you to belong to me. I want it to work. I want to work at making it work. I don't want to wait, I honestly don't see the point. I want to lose hope so it won't hurt as much. I want you to make up your mind, realize its a choice you continue to make. I want to see how much you care, feel it. I want you to love me like I love you. I want to feel better. I want happiness.

New Leaf

There has been so much going on I almost can't think straight. Something big yet invisible has happened and I must say I feel like I'm floating. Such a weight has been lifted from me and all I can do is thank God.

I can finally say the drama with the bm is over! I was trying to prepare for the worst and what I got was more than I coulda hoped for. I became fed up with the disrespect. I did what I thought was right and demanded respect and space/time between ® and bm. Lol of course I kinda got cussed out by her and he wasn't gonna not talk to her for shit..... I was mad at God and thought myself hated. I thought ® was choosing his friendship over our relationship. I all but asked him to leave. I couldn't bring myself to do so. I was at the end and falling quickly into a nightmare. Then it turns out bm has been confronted, threatened, and put in her place. Not at all how I thought it had to go but definitely how it needed to. Of course they're still friends and will probably blur the lines with their friendship for the rest of my life but its always clear when a line is crossed no matter how blurry and I know if it is ® has it taken care of.

I asked God to tell me if this was my husband. This isn't the first time, its the second. First time was 12/31/2012... I asked if he were that at midnight he would kiss me. Well he ended up having to go home and through random events actually ended up with me at midnight. I had no idea what time it was (I was running my mouth) and at midnight he turned my face to his, kissed me, and said happy new year. Two days later he said he loved me and the next day we where official....

Its been a long year with so many ups downs twists and turns. I believe ® is my husband and with this situation put to rest I walk with confidence down this path my life is on. It's time to turn over a new leaf. I'm embracing my future and thanking God for his deliverance and my husband.

Pray

Please pray for us.

http://m.realtor.com/#propertygallery?property_id=3248365896&indx=0

Lord your will be done with this house and our current situation. Things seem like the are about to turn around and I'm trying so had to keep faith. I don't want to stress anymore. Let me walk in the path intended for me by you lord. Give me peace. Take my fear so that I may walk with confidence into this next phase of my life. Amen.

Walk Hard

I guess at the end of the day its his way or the highway. I've been manipulated and lied to to force me to change. Again if anything is gonna budge its me. Why? I get nothing I want or even need for that matter. There's no open book policy, I can't even show affection how I please. Maybe now is the time to truly consider calling it quits...i literally wake up almost in tears thinking about the fact that I'm stuck. I stuck waiting and taking orders. Everything I've said I wanted or felt should happen in this relationship hasn't and won't happen. Its like drew all over again, when it comes to shit that's important to me it doesn't matter. Nothing changes. But I'm the bad guy if I say this is how its gonna be or I walk. He'd just let me walk and be just fine moving on with his life (probably a sign). I'm tired of shacking, I'm tired of being the one that has to jump in line and follow directions. There's no compromise, or even understanding. I don't feel secure or even valued. Love isn't enough for anything to last. Apparently I don't do anything worth compromise, change, or having a say in OUR relationship. He's getting sick of me saying shit and frankly I'm sick of saying shit. Wake up everyday feeling worthless in your own life...you'd say something a lot too. There's no action I can take but an ultimatum and that's basically what I'm in as well as I'm not trying to force his hand. It don't sound right it don't look right it don't feel right, it's not right. But let me not give him something....I don't know what to do, maybe all I can do is walk. I do 80% of the work in this. I take care of us and have from the beginning. Give him almost everything he asks for. I'm good to him I love his kids I even respect his bm despite her not doing the same. I don't get it. He refuses to propose now because I talk about it and money....I get wanting to pay himself for the ring but its not even $50. In my opinion he's late and I'm tired of waiting. He's frustrated with me but has yet to step up. Truth be told I shouldn't marry him as things are now. He needs to start helping me and being an equal partner. He's captain I'm crew...fuck that. To be 100% we in my damn boat and all I'm asking is to be co-captain. I am sick of taking care of you just to have you run me like I'm a child. At least if you were my husband I'd know you're truly committed to me vs now when it's clear the only person you're committed to is you. You're out for number one and I don't even know where I fit on the list. You treat me well and consider my feelings sometimes and want props because you became more tolerant of my emotions. That's what you're supposed to do for someone you love. I'm worth it and frankly being a good man and good person are required to be my man. So thank you but I'm not yet impressed. I give a mile for your yards and I don't see no trophy so don't expect me to be satisfied and forthcoming for doing what you should. I'm being ripped in half and you're too fucking cocky to see cus you just know you're safe. False. Best part, I wouldn't be so marriage heavy if I had help. I'm treating you like a husband but I barely feel like a gf. So I've got my own requirements and if they aren't met I walk. And not to get what I want outta you but to open the door for something else because I deserve more.

Me

For some it is easy to be selfish, for others selfless...

I am kind and at times that is the same as weak. I want to be able to breathe, I want this moving mess over. I want to be married, to be a mother. Instead I'm suffocating, don't know what to do about moving, getting married whenever and how ® sees fit, becoming a mother...idk ask God. ® refuses to do anything about his bm and I'm well I'm just letting it all happen. I swear its like I control nothing about my own life. I don't want to cause issues nor lose what I have. Is it wrong to want more? Is it wrong to ask what about me...?

Tomorrow

Today things seem to be on a different path than yesterday...

Basically I've been told that despite how I feel where ® stands on the baby mama issue is that he doesn't care. He's tired of hearing about it and will continue not doing anything about it....so either I talk to her or I walk cus I won't be dealing with it. He doesn't want to be the bad guy (even tho she's the only one who'll be mad not to mention he's already the bad guy with me) and thinks she just needs time to get over him. She's not gonna get any time away from him cus she don't want and he gonna give her most of what she want. What I want (which is how most would say it should be) doesn't matter.

On top of finding out that when he said he wanted to be married by the end of this summer November at the latest he mis-spoke. He actually meant engaged. And has no idea when he actually wants to get married. Awesome! We already have rings sized and picked out that altogether are $44. He already said he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. So it's gonna take up to if not more than 9mo to come up with <50 bucks and ask a question you already know the answer to? Then who knows how long for the wedding HE wants that's only supposed to be $400 but he's not sure exactly how much in total...what am I supposed to do with that? We're about to sign a 18mo lease and I can't even say we'll be married by the end. That's 2.5+yrs in! 2012 status much? Sounds all to frighteningly familiar.

I am tired of shacking up. I want a husband and a family. I don't want to watch him have basically all that with her and I'm just the roomie he fucks. I feel like he doesn't respect me and doesn't love me enough to actually make the promise. It bothers me the way things are and the only thing I can really do is watch or walk away. He's so confident I'm not going anywhere and I fear if I break that confidence he's gonna just pull out. He says he's not going anywhere...he's changed his mind before. When it changes that's just how things have to be then. He says trust him but I'm too scared. Too much don't add up.

I'm not feeling very confident about tomorrow...

Do I confront the bm...do I let him know I'm seriously thinking about leaving...do I just leave...do I give up and just do what he wants...is this a warning/foreshadowing, a message...is this a test...what am I supposed to do about TOMORROW?